sundog

January 13, 2007

The male mind is almost as complicated as the female one.

Filed under: Friends, My Life, Self Pity, Work — happychick @ 6.38p01

I wish there was a way to get inside a boy’s head, which didn’t involve putting yourself out. You see, there’s a guy. (I know, with me, there’s always a guy.)

But this guy is different to all the others… well, to an extent. I mean, his smile still makes my knees weak, when he says/ does something nice I try to give the biggest/cutest/nicest smile all at once, I find myself thinking about him at the randomest moments (ie. all the time), and wondering if he’s doing the same… but that’s about where the similarities end.

And so, this crush, as with all crushes, comes with complications. In this case, more complications than usual.

Problem 1: Age.

You see, you wouldn’t think it to look at him, but he’s 18. No getting around it, my (slightly overprotective) Mum would disapprove greatly, and we won’t even get started on my Step Dad. I’d pick him for 16, 17 at the most. But nooo God had to go all kooky on us and have him born 3 years before me.

Problem 2: Appearance.

He is as far as you could get from Pete. In fact, he’s a far as you could get from any guy I’ve ever crushed on in my life. I guess that’s what trips me out most- he’s not my usually definition of “hot”, or “good looking”… at most, I’d go for “cute”.

Problem 3: Reality.

Reality is, he has a crap job. He has a not-quite ancient car, and my Mum is a Nazi when it comes to boys. She pulls this face and I tune out somewhere between “Only interested in sex” and “Why don’t you stay single for a while?” Reality is, I’m moving away to boarding school, and I can’t trust myself with long-distance things.

Problem 4: My Feelings.

This is probably what wakes me up most at night. I don’t know whether or not I truly like him, or perhaps he’s just an outlet for my built-up flirting muscle? Maybe I’m just desperate for some action and/or attention? Worse still, maybe I’m just an attention seeker.

Problem 5: His Feelings.

Well this is the part where I want to throw in the towel and walk away. As of yet, he’s not made a move. (Don’t get me wrong, I’ve known him just under a week… but still!). Subtle hints, like a smile or eye contact that lingers just too long… Or maybe he’s just being nice. I mean, is it too much to ask for a guy to get down on one knee and have flowers delivered to your door? I’m joking, guys. Though at least if he did that I’d know how he felt.

So the way I see it, it can go 3 ways:

1. Ask him out, with blessings from my folks. Get a yes, have a great little fling, perhaps continue it on next holidays.

2. Don’t ask him out. Sit around waiting and wondering, realise we’re just friends, find someone else to turn my attention to.

3. Ask him out, get a no. Be sufficiently embarrassed for the rest of my natural life and have to work with him every day.

4. Ask him out, have my folks hate him, things go sour, everything sucks at work.

5. Don’t ask him out. Maybe he likes me back, maybe not. Go off to boarding school and never know what could’ve happened.

 

We can all see which is the most desirable… but the truth is, I’m a stupid whimp and chances are it’ll remain a one-sided love affair until the end of the month. =)

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January 1, 2007

Change the environment and the goldfish turns white…

Filed under: Friends, Happy, Home, Self Pity — happychick @ 6.38p01

For me, 2006 was a year of revelations. I lost things I took for granted, I gained things I never knew existed. I learned a lot. I learned a lot about me, about the people around me and about what really is important. I slacked off at school, which is probably the worst thing I could have done, and then I had to work my ass off, away from my family and friends, in punishment. I learned how important a decent education is, and decided that I did not want to become a janitor. I fell in love, had a great time while it lasted, went on my first romantic holiday, and was confused when it all ended badly. I learned that before one starts relationship they must be prepared for the end. I made some awesome friends, was burned by many, and then learned that true friendships are forever.

 

2007 scares me. School will take up most of my time, I’ll no longer have a job; I’ll be living with dozens of other hormonal teenagers and probably shed more than a few tears before the year is out. I’ll have to work my ass off and try to keep in touch with mates. It’ll be a struggle to find time to exercise what with all the “religious studies” and whatnot… I’m scared. I’m terrified.

But as one of my favourite sayings go- “Change is the only constant in life”… and boarding school won’t last forever.

 

I guess, today, I had a lot of fun. Cate and I went to the pools with the cow-milker (who, as it turns out is NOT very hot, whatsoever, and also a little on the weird side.) But we had fun. We swam a bit, we bitched a bit, and I realised this fact: Cate is fun. And she’s my friend. And basically, as I see it right now, apart from Kirah… she’s my only girlfriend in this town. I mean, When she went to work I talked to Craig-the-cow-milker. He’s a nice guy. We chatted to Corey, who, it seems, I have misjudged for almost a year. He’s sweet. And he’s funny. Not the strange anti-social geek I had him pinned for. Then Dyl turned up so I purged him for info about the girl he was messaging (he’s so cute… so innocent.) The thing was, they were boys. I’m a girl (yes folks, that did a while for me to figure out)…

It’s the same with everyone. Peter- he’s one of the coolest people I know. J- A little misguided, but he has such a big heart, and I’m so proud of him for getting his life back on track… (who, btw called me this morning- we had a lovely chat and I shall endevour to see him next time I’m in town). Gorgi- I like to think we’re still good mates, even though he’s Pete’s bestie- I mean, we message each other often and he’s basically a really good guy…

They’re all boys.

I get kind of depressed when girls call me a flirt because my mates are male- but if all the girls I knew weren’t such self-obsessed biatches, I’d have more female friends…

 

Everyone is changing before my eyes, myself included… but I just don’t like it. I want it all to be easy again- simple and fun… not having to worry about she said he said bullshit, when I’m working, who’s pissed at me…

 

I just hope that 2007 isn’t quite as dramatically life-changing as 06 was.

December 22, 2006

I HAD FUN SO WHY DON’T YOU JUST LET IT GO?

Filed under: Friends, Home, My Life, Self Pity — happychick @ 6.38p12

Ah, the seemingly “unbearable” moments of being a teenager. Me, being the sensible girl who, when feeling stressed, lonely and deprived, sets out to do something about it, well- I did something about it.

Yesterday I went to “Daniels” house. Well, I went to the hotel where Daniel is living as a kitchen hand with his brother.

It took me about an hour the night before to convince Mum to let me go. I mean, he’s a boy. He lives/works at a hotel. Along with other reasons, I can only assume Mum thought I was on the rebound, and was trying to stop me from jumping into some randoms bed because I was “broken-hearted”. Having a cop for a Mum can be the fricken pits sometimes.

But she let me go. Her and her partner dropped me off in the police car. When we got there, what did I expect, she INTERROGATED him. I could have DIED.

“How old are you?” and “What do you plan to do today?”, and all this was followed up by “Be careful and don’t get into any trouble”. A death-stare and a cloud of dust later, she was gone.

It was probably the most humiliating moment of my life. But what a laugh! Daniel thought it was hilarious too, so I guess it doesn’t really matter.

We went into the kitchen and met his friend Crystal who made us lunch (mmm steak sandwiches- so many calories), he taught me how to play pool (hmmm… I guess I’m not a natural after all), then we went into the hotel swimming pool. We were the only ones there so it was pretty fun.

I feel kinda bad for him. I mean, when your mates go through things, you do too. He’s been kicked out by his dad and jerked around by his ex (whom he spent the whole day bringing into the conversation and then hating himself for it)… and he’s been lonely as hell out there, spending his days with adults- at least we had some “kid” time, messing about, play fighting- as you do.

His ex was infuriated when she found out I was there. So she whined to my ex, and I don’t know how he took it. But really, I don’t care. People always say “girls and boys can be just friends”, but when push comes to shove I’m suddenly a cheating whore-bag (despite the fact that I’m single).

Point is, I had fun. We had fun. And he’s one of my only mates right now who’s not judging me.

Afterwards, Mum picked me up and we all went out to the beach. We watched some turtles lay their eggs, got fish n chips and then came home. The End.

December 21, 2006

GUPTA

Filed under: Family, Friends, Happy, Home, My Life, Self Pity — happychick @ 6.38p12

Woah, I had a major mental breakdown last night. I’m trying not to dwell too much on it, b/c Mum said I have been “picking out the negatives in life lately”… Truth is, I just feel like my life has turned to shit. Work is more stressful/annoying/bitchy/hot than it has ever been, my relationship turned to shit and I basically am doubting anything any of my few remaining mates are saying.

On the plus side, I’m going out to my mates’ place in a little while- just trying to make Mum come home from work and take me (as if I’ma walk that far in this God forsaken heat!)

Umm… I’ve been trying to fix Cate up with the hot trolley boy- but he doesn’t know who she is as of yet, and so… well, I’m working on it.

The other day I bought a new CD… The Black Parade, My Chemical Romance. It’s pretty awesome and was even worth the three whole minutes I had to be served by a girl whom I dislike severely at the moment.

Yesterday I went to the shops (on my lonesome L ) and bought The Breakfast Club (yes, I found it!!) and Napoleon Dynamite (haha “Do the chickens have large talons?”)…

Shona said that “back in the day” her dad looked exactly like Napoleons brother Kip. :p

Hmmm… I got AJ to take my shift today, so this arvo when Mum picks me up from said mates’ house, we are all going to the beach. “we” being Mum and my family, along with all their mates from work, so they all sit on the beach and get drunk while I sit on the beach and get sand in my shorts. Ah, such memorable family times. J

December 14, 2006

You can’t change a person.

Filed under: Angry, Friends, Home, My Life, Self Pity — happychick @ 6.38p12

I’m not perfect- I’ll be the first to admit it. But I’m a pretty decent person. I do what I think is right- I care about other people’s feelings- I defend the underdog. When I’m wrong, I can generally overcome my tendency to be stubborn and apologize or try to fix my mistake.

But I’m a teenager. I bitch. I succumb to temptation. I spill secrets. It’s in our making, as a human being, to be like that.

I guess I just expect other people to be as good a person as I am- in fact, I put those I know and care for up on a pedestal and expect from them nothing less than utter decency and politeness, all of the time. I don’t like to think my mates are human- that they too, mess up. That they too have bad traits.

Like when the boy you care about calls you “bitchy” before you can defend yourself. Or when your mate backstabs you, whether intentional or not- when she does something that you’d never consider- no matter the temptation. Even when your parents forget to pick you up or whatever.

The point is no-one is perfect and I can usually accept that. The only thing is, I’ve been trying so hard of late to make myself a better person- it doesn’t seem fair that those around me aren’t attempting the same.

December 11, 2006

*HONK*… Ah, Hamish and Andy.

Filed under: Friends, My Life, Self Pity — happychick @ 6.38p12

Alas, it was bound to be awkward. Pete and I spent the afternoon together, braving the blistering sun (I got sunburnt with sunscreen on!!)… we walked down to the video shop and hired out a few movies… including The Breakfast Club (hahaha OMG obsessed with that movie).

The whole time was… well,*HONK*. I mean, we’re mates now. Mates, and nothing more. I wasn’t totally sure what he had expected, so I guess we were both like “Umm… where do I stand in all of this?”

I just wonder if it’s possible to share a past, and a future, but not in that way.

I suppose I’m being a bit selfish, really. It’s like I left him hanging. I shoved out and he was left here to pick up the pieces I left behind. I sent a lot of mixed signals- I’ll acknowledge that. I was lonely and confused, but all along I think I had resigned myself to the fact that there was no longer an “us”, and that ever since I left, I was basically a single girl again. Poor Pete, trapped here, he wouldn’t have known what hit him.

He says he still has feelings for me- I don’t know how to take that, because, for me, the only thing I feel for him is an intense love of his personality, as a person I’d love to hang with, and nothing more. I’m not in love anymore.

I just don’t think we’re on the same boundaries right now- what’s appropriate and what’s not- what’s expected, what isn’t there anymore…

So I guess that’s what the next 7 weeks is for. But, to make *HONK* matters worse, everyone we know still thinks we’re a couple. By that, I mean, every person we saw today (which was, annoyingly, my whole entire school) saw us as “together”. I don’t want to give off the wrong impression, but it’s not as if I can run around saying “Oh, guess what?!?! We’re broken up!!”- and it’s not as if I’d want to.

Nush rang this arvo. I kinda blew her off because we were in the middle of a movie and I felt rude for leaving the room to take a call. Sometimes I can be a bit harsh though. My Bad.

It sounds strange, almost unnatural now I say it out loud- I’m not in love anymore.

December 6, 2006

Mrs. Hyde. Mrs. Ben. Miss Bitchy!

Filed under: Angry, Friends, Home, My Life, School, Self Pity — happychick @ 6.38p12

In some ways I’m much like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. By that I mean that, while I think of myself as a nice person, and I rarely get too nasty toward anyone, some days I’m just… well, I’m mean. In fact, more than mean. It scares me to death that I go out of my way to upset another. Who does that? What kind of monster must I be to intentionally hurt someone- especially my best friend?

Today was one of my Hyde days. My behavior sounds so disgusting when I think about it now, but what started me off was rudeness. Well, Anushka’s rudeness. Not unlike myself (which is probably why it annoyed me so profoundly), she has the tendency to be overbearing. And, most frustratingly, she butts in while others are talking. Yes, it may seem petty, but it really gets on my nerves when a person repeats the same pet-hate over and over… and over.

Not only that, but things seemed to go from bad to worse. Our English class is full of a bunch of infantile morons who find it funny to make fart noises during an assessment (yes, I’m serious. 15 years old. Leaders of tomorrow? They couldn’t lead themselves out of a one-way tunnel.) And our “class-party”, as predicted, was flop. We sat around and listened to (code-name) “Dan” the muso play, and play, and (although you wouldn’t believe it) play his stupid guitar. I mean for God’s sake- we know you’re a good musician!!!

Ah, and the big fat topping on the “Really, really crap day” cake was the fact that I had to sit there and watch Break-a-leg Ben play in the senior-school band. It was excruciating. The fact that any single person in the world could be that hot is too unbelievable for words. And he plays the drums. The drums!! Drum players are hot. Drums are hot. Music is hot. Ben is hot. Seriously. I could hardly bear to watch as I fought the urge to throw myself at him (hahaha… no, really.). The worst thing was, as emo, “my-life-is-over-because-of-a-boy” as this will sound… he’s not mine. And chances are I’ll never end up with him, or anyone like him, for that matter.

I knew I was acting like an obsessed loser and wanted so badly to get out of the teenage girl “crush” trap, so I told myself over and over that more likely than not, he has an ego problem, and that, rumor has it, the boy is an arrogant bastard.

Somehow, that didn’t have the effect I was planning on. I still wanted to have the arrogant bastard’s babies.

December 3, 2006

I will soon be Mrs. Valo

Filed under: Angry, Friends, My Life, Self Pity — happychick @ 6.38p12

We had another “Sunday outing”, as I have come to call them, today. Last night at Nush’s, we watched “The Benchwarmers” and “Searching for Bobby Fisher”, we set our clocks forward an hour (bloody daylight savings- who invented that crap??), and we went to bed. My Nanna, the hypocritical health-freak that she is (buys low-fat margarine and Tim tams in the same breath…) only buys wholegrain bread. Ugh. So nasty. It was a nice treat at Nush’s this morning- white bread! I felt like I was in the holy land…  Anywho… this morning we went to the markets. I bought a couple of HIM badges, and before you judge me too harshly on being that weird girl who buys badges, I must remind you that I am one day going to marry Ville Valo, the lead singer of said band. Then we went into the city. We wandered around and went to watch Courtney’s modeling practice (which, BTW Courtz, I hope went very well), then Nush and I got bloody lost in the middle of nowhere, then we got bored and came home. Now it is time for my social whinge. I started my blog because I love how anonymous it all is. But now, ever since my mates got hold of it… what I’m writing has become “safe”. It’s no longer an outlet for those times when I’m shitty at the ones I care about. I can no longer bitch about everyone I know, for fear of it coming back to haunt me. The fact is, my blog is on other people’s blogrolls. When they give out their blog address, in turn they are giving out mine. I find myself wondering whether or not the person I’m talking about is going to read this, or hear about it, and most importantly, get offended by it. I don’t want to have to edit what I’m saying. I never wanted a blog so I could still bottle up my feelings. I don’t know where to go from here. Maybe this blog’s days are numbered. Maybe a new, totally anonymous blog is in order. In saying that, I love my “sundog”. And I love the “webmates” I’ve made (aka Sandra, Kieth, Jon…). But I’m not loving the resentment I’m feeling because I let people who really do know happychick into my weblife. xxx

November 28, 2006

FAT CHICK. :p

Filed under: My Life, Self Pity — happychick @ 6.38p11

“God must’ve loved calories- he made so many of them.”

You see, lately, like the self-obsessed image-conscious teenager that I try so hard not to be, I have been worrying about my weight.

I’ve been trying and trying to put it out of my mind- no-one likes a girl who cries “I’m getting so fat!” every time she eats a potato chip.

Alas, my fears were confirmed yesterday morning. Now, I have these jeans… Uber-sexy, they are, and one of my fave pairs. I tried them on, you know, just coz I can. Well, unfortunately for Porky Pig over here, they came up to my thighs and would budge no further. I was distraught. My Maccas eating, cake-shoveling, couch-potato days had finally caught up with me.

I have never been one to worry about looks. There are, of course, more important things to worry about, like World Peace, poverty, Global Warming, litter, whether or not Anushka and I will ever get out of the country together…

But one must give in to their adolescent urges eventually, no?

Damn Jennifer Hawkins and those bloody photo-shopped pics! Haha Love me. xx

November 22, 2006

Envy and Vanity go hand in hand.

Filed under: Friends, My Life, School, Self Pity — happychick @ 6.38p11

In a perfect world, jealousy would be an emotion one did not feel very often- rather than the horrible twinge I fight so hard to keep at bay everyday. It’s not as though I dislike myself- but there are definitely areas for improvement. I mean, I could do with Courtney’s stomach. The expression “Washboard”, when referring to a tummy, had never meant anything to me. Until that day in the city when Courtz was wearing that uber-hot orange top… And Lisa’s skin- I’ve seen that girl every day at school for ten months, and not once was she shiny or sporting a pimple. I mean, is that even possible? Her skin was flawless- not a fleck of makeup in sight. I could do with Andy’s sense of humor- some people come across as weird- some come across as funny. Andy comes across as completely abnormal but with a sense of humour that outweighs any of his flaws. And I wouldn’t mind having Ellie K’s thighs- they’re far from stick-thin, which just makes me feel ill, but are also a far cry from the things I have over here spreading out like pancake batter… And, I would totally kill to have Jeff’s brains. Not only is the kid a walking genius, he’s a fricken champ at basically every sport he tries… Some people have all the luck. I mean, there are so many people I feel envy towards every day. But it’s a good sort of envy, I think. I mean, I’ve not yet clawed anyone’s eyes out. I’m genuinely happy that these people have been blessed with good genes. That said, it can get a little much seeing the natural beauty going on around me all day, every day.

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