sundog

March 20, 2008

I am still alive, but barely

Filed under: Family, Friends, My Life, School, Self Pity — happychick @ 6.38p03

I’m shocking, I know, but school’s knocked me on my ass and posting here is below scratching myself on my list of priorities right now…

That said, it’s the Easter long weekend and what better time to take a step back and reflect. I think I’ll do a bit of a recap- “The year so far”

So Happychick’s entered her final, very daunting year of High school. She’s hoping to be accepted into the state’s second most prestigious University next year, provided she passes her end-of-year exams with some sort of success…

Going back to boarding at the beginning of the year killed me. The holidays had been so free, so easygoing (albeit monotonous). It was back to having dinner at 5.30 in the afternoon, back to structured study times and back to sharing a god damn room. I’m the single most self absorbed person in the universe and a total control freak- poor Casey cops a yelling every time something doesn’t go my way.

Being elected onto the Student Council was flattering (and we all know power corrupts) but it just meant more work for me and probably wasn’t the best choice in terms of my school scores and stress-related breakouts.

It’s Week 8 already, I’ve seen two cricket games, had 7 tests, kissed a boy, done a public speech, lost weight, gained weight, had to cope with the news of Nan’s most recent battle with cancer, dealt with the aftermath of my brother’s attempted suicide, bought a house, planned a trip to England, waxed my legs, made my best mate cry, had a school ball, lost (and then found) my phone, had a swimming carnival, fought with my Mum and thought about throwing it all in and becoming a hairdresser a total of 6.9 times.

The biggies here are of course BJ’s diagnosis with depression and his attempted suicide. When he told me what he’d done I was so angry– I was angry at my Mum, for lying to me about it. I was angry at him for following the same self-harming path our late father did. I was so mad at myself for having no reaction other than saying “Wow” about fifty thousand times, and Jesus I was angry at God or whoever it is that controls these things for adding this to my ever-mounting burden pile. I just kept thinking, I’m 16 years old for fuck sake. My Dad’s dead, my Grandmother’s dying, my brother’s trying to top himself, my Mum’s having financial problems, my schoolwork’s getting on top of me, my acne’s getting worse- when does it end? Will it end? Am I just going to explode one day, crawl up into a ball and cry myself into oblivion? The school shrink sure seems to think so.

The best thing about this blog I find is that I can rant and rave about my self-pity for as long as I damn-well like and no one can tell me my selfishness is getting out of hand.

The Ball was amazing, though. It was… fabulous. If I knew how to post photos I would, but I’m so technologically illiterate you’ll just have to imagine. I wore this stunning red strapless dress that (unbeknownst to me) actually made me look 2 months pregnant, but I looked so beautiful I really think I could’ve given Angelina a run for her money. I’m not really one for dressing up, you see. I wear Converse High-tops and jeans, t-shirts with silly slogans and a ponytail most days. The fact that I did look so stunning made me think that there really is hope for me yet- give it five years and a bit of exercise and I’ll have nice skin and enough money to afford good fashion, and the boys wont just think I’m that silly outspoken girl who doesn’t mind if you use your tongue.

I miss being able to do this each arvo. I miss having a life actually- schoolwork is so much harder than I’d anticipated and I’m really not coping. I feel like I’m the only one but the other girls assure me they’re struggling too, but it’s taking everything I’ve got and more to maintain a B-average, which saddens me more because I’d been a solid A throughout last year. I want so badly to get into Uni but if I’m being slaughtered in high school maybe tertiary education isn’t for me.

On a more positive note, I don’t have to go back to school for 10 whole days- and let me assure you, that’s a relief.

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January 14, 2008

The truth about unrequited love.

Filed under: My Life, Self Pity, Work — happychick @ 6.38p01

I met his girlfriend (fiancé?) today. Up until now, it hadn’t seemed real- his being engaged, and all that. It was like a sad rumor no one knew much about and thus made no attempt to quash. But seeing her, there, in person, it was an experience I’ll never forget.

Watching her, talking to her and knowing what she meant to him had me feeling so many different emotions I was afraid I’d explode.

Naturally, I was jealous. I was so jealous I could’ve easily clawed her eyes out. I was jealous that she had him- she had him mentally, she’d had him physically, she was the one who got to feel his powerful hands wrap around her waist instead of me. God how I longed for those powerful hands.

I was angry, and confused. I mean, I’m about a thousand times prettier than her, thinner, with better hair and cooler clothes and a more glowing (albeit oily) complexion. I’m more cheerful and I was angry he couldn’t see that, and confused as to why he chose her.

I felt guilty. Guilty looking into her eyes and realizing that it was her man I’d been attempting to flirt with for all these weeks, her boyfriend, her fiancé.

Even more strangely, I felt more love for him than ever before. It was this girl who he was faithful to. This girl who he thought about during all those quiet hours at work when I sat wondering if he’d ever think of me that way. It was her he loved, and I loved him even more for being able to love someone- even if it wasn’t me- to such an extent.

Of course, I was sad. I was devastated. I could easily have cried. She had a face now. It was all confirmed. They were in love. I was sad that I’d never been so completely in love with someone (even Pete)- so utterly faithful.

She was nice. Not all that to look at (strange hair, but then , looking at him, they probably do each other’s hair), she was a bit chubby and her fashion was a bit boho for my liking (nothing like I thought she’d dress like). She seemed sweet. I avoided seeing them together because I was afraid I’d had a “I love your boyfriend” tag on my forehead- it was awkward enough.

But in the end I figured it out. Kinda. I’m still working out the finer details but I’m hoping this post will help me out. I mean, why did I like him so much in the first place? That’s what J asked me, and honestly, I knew. I fell so in love with him because he’s different. As well as his hair and his taste in music, but different in the way he acts. He doesn’t pay me the attention I’m so used to getting from other boys. In fact, as J put it, he ignores me. Call me a sucker for punishment, but he’s a puzzle, a challenge. I found that so frustrating, but so sexy. Word, huh?

On top of that, and this is the biggy- I have the inexplicable need to be liked, or at least to know where I stand. I mean, if a person hates me, that’s all good and well, I know how to act, how to feel and where I am in relation to that person’s opinion of me (yes, opinions matter. Noone can pretend it’s any different). But, he was indifferent. And that hurt me and intrigued me more than anything in the world. He didn’t care about me. He didn’t want to get to know me, to strike up casual conversation- nothing. He was perfectly happy to go about his own life in his own world with his friends and his fiancé (Jane, I think her name was), regardless of whether I lived or died, went to work of lived in China. He didn’t care. I wanted to make him care.

I guess, while I’m spilling it, I knew it wouldn’t go anywhere. For all those hours I spent staring and daydreaming and wishing, I knew he’d never hit on me, I knew he’d never ask me out or try anything- nor would he hold my hand or hug me, but it was the safest- and most painful- relationship ever. There was no obligations, I’d never have to get my Mum’s approval.

I just can’t handle the thought that I am so preoccupied, so obsessed with how other people view me or react to me that I’m not living my life. My friends, my family, they all think I’m so strong and so confident- I only act that way so they’ll feed me the attention and positive vibes I need to uphold my façade of confidence.

My obsession with him ends today. They say you can’t chose who you fall in love with, but I can chose to fall out-of-love with him. It’s detrimental to my emotional health and I don’t need that.

I want to be free of this nonsense and it wont be easy but it’s got to start somewhere. I want to be as carefree as people think I am. I want to live up to that- to prove to myself that I can.

December 10, 2007

Checkouts, Brett Lee, Scrapbooking

Filed under: Friends, My Life, Self Pity, Work — happychick @ 6.38p12

Working as a checkout chick the past few weeks has revealed a few things to me, and confirmed some others. Firstly, it’s made me realize just how heartbreakingly sad the lives are of some of the people in this town. It’s served to reiterate just how lucky I am to be boarding away from the filthy environment and stale atmosphere of the place, and it’s taught me just how capable I am and just how lucky I am to have a mind that works the way mine does- to establish right from wrong, o act in a mature, sensible way, to be NORMAL.

It’s made me realize that I don’t want to be working like this, repetitive, monotonous, bland, for the rest of my life. I want adventure. I want creativity and excitement and laughter.

The Egyptian trolley boy has asked me out a few times- I’m really bad at this sort of thing so I don’t really know what to say. He’s sweet and funny all that jazz, and we all know I have a soft spot for foreigners with accents, but, let’s face it- he’s an Egyptian immigrant. He’s a trolley boy. He’s 20 something with a name I can’t pronounce… It’ll never work out.

It’s now I begin to wonder if I’m shallow- and I know the answer is a yes. I’ve always been in it for me, though, If that makes sense. I always look out for what’s best for myself. If I can help someone out or cheer someone up along the way, great, but let’s face it- when was the last time I did something completely selfless, without hope of a reward?

I miss Casey. She doesn’t know it and I won’t be the one to tell her. We’re mates through convenience- she’s my rock and I’m hers at Boarding. But it gets lonely in this house and I took her presence for granted a lot of the time.

Nush got back from Canberra the other day, I called and asked her how it all went. She had such an awesome time and saw so many cool things it was hard not to be jealous and resent being stuck in this God-awful place for the next two months. It makes me pity myself and I hate that feeling. She even saw Brett Lee!

“OMG guess who I saw at the airport?”

“John Howard?”

“No. Brett Lee”

“No way- he’s like the best spin bowler ever!”

*silence*

“He’s a fast bowler”

*silence*

“That’s what I said”

Tomorrow’s my day off, I’m going to work on my scrapbook. X x

November 18, 2007

The future and my fear of it.

Filed under: My Life, Self Pity — happychick @ 6.38p11

In Australia we have this thing called National Young Leaders Day. This year, one of the things that stuck in my mind was this; “Those who are crazy enough to think they can change the world are the ones that do” .I want to change the world. I want to leave a mark so that in 10, 20, 50 years after my death, people are saying my name, preaching my cause, acknowledging me in a way that is both positive and productive. I watch movies like “Invincible”, “Remember The Titans” and “Pay It Forward” and I want someone to make a movie of my life one day.Like Jim Carey puts it on Bruce Almighty- “I’m not okay with a mediocre life”. I don’t want to be average. I don’t want to be “normal”. I want to be

exceptional. I want to be great. I want people to stand up and say “That girl is amazing”. Like all things, though, being great has it’s pitfalls. There’s the judgment that comes from people thinking you think you “know it all”. There’s the responsibility that comes with knowing people are scrutinizing and/or imitating your every action.

As romantic and fabulous it all sounds in my head, I find myself wondering as I write this down (while talking to my Oh-so-wow-change-the-world-just-by-looking-at-it twin Shona), if it’s at all possible.

I mean, who am I, really? I’m just an Aussie girl from a town no-ones heard of, and those that have make jokes about it (myself included). I have cellulite and oily skin, so I’ll never be a model, I haven’t any “contacts” in the business of… well, anything, unless you count the State Police. Which I don’t.My biggest fear is having regrets. About anything. I don’t want to be a failure, I don’t want to turn out haughty and morally corrupt, I don’t want to become an addict/dealer/abused wife… I’m so scared of making the wrong decisions that I might cease making them at all.On top of that deep-rooted fear of bottoming out is the fact that I have no idea where to start.

October 3, 2007

Driving Lesson

Filed under: Family, Home, My Life, Self Pity — happychick @ 6.38p10

For the first time in my life today, I drove a car.

I cried the entire time.

It was 8 in the morning, and there was not another soul on the road. Lucky for them, dare I say it- and sorry to the man down my street whose bin I nearly took out.

It’s embarrassing, thinking about it now. Of course, I couldn’t help the tears. They come naturally, in times of stress, excitement- basically, in any situation where one single emotion threatens to overcome me.

Still, I was crying like a sissy as I drove down Collier Street, blubbering during the three-point-turn, and the tears only ceased to allow me to cry “Oh Shit!” as an impatient driver passed me on the corner.

It was awful, the whole bloody experience. I’d rather catch public transport for the rest of my life than go through it again.

But go through it I will.

And there will be more tears.

Thinking back to your own first driving lessons, have any of you actually humiliated yourselves like that?

April 23, 2007

I went back, and I got closure.

Filed under: Friends, My Life, School, Self Pity — happychick @ 6.38p04

I went back. To the school, I mean. The school I swore I’d never go back to in my life. It was quite a gut wrenching experience. But necessary. Yes, necessary. I’ve now got closure. I’ve now come to the realization that I do not, in any way, shape or form, regret leaving. I went because C insisted. And, being the best best friend I could, I went. I walked the whole way in the stinking mid-day heat (thank god for sunscreen), and it kinda went from bad to worse. Pete was there. He tried to be friendly- or patronizing, I can’t tell which. I was a little uncivil. My mindset was that I wanted him to resent me as much as I resented him for telling all these horrible lies about me, and divulging the details of our intimacy to the world. I wanted him to ignore me the way I was content in ignoring him. But instead, he tried to start a conversation.

The first thing I noticed was his hair. It was long and scruffy- and oily, too. He obviously hadn’t shaved in a while and I felt like I was talking to Tom Hanks in Castaway.

I don’t remember the exact details of the conversation- or I do, but think it quite childish to write about it here. I just remember saying things in a tone I didn’t know I had. I wasn’t sarcastic, I wasn’t rude- I was cold, and that’s worse than either. I can’t think whether I regret speaking to anyone, even him, in such a manner, or if the “down-and-out” feeling I’ve got going on is from eating too much pizza and watching “Australia’s Got Talent”.

I’m glad I went, though. I needed it. It’s the dawn of a new era, and to all those jerks who were unnecessarily obnoxious and rude today- I finally got the answer I was looking for- and I have you all to thank.

C came over last night. We had pizza, and made “lists” (of which famous people we intend to wed and in which order), watched “Australia’s Got Talent”, and simultaneously fell in love with Jonas Armstrong of BBC’s Robin Hood. I have since added him to my list. Near Adam Lazzara.

She’s a really good person. Good, in the sense that, she does what is right. If she’s upset, she’ll tell you, not blame you. She has so many qualities I’m jealous of, and I’m glad that she’s one of the two or three people around here who don’t think I’ve changed for the worse since being away.

I no longer miss what I had here. I no longer yearn for the acceptance I thought I had. I’m moving on to bigger and better things. It’ll be a long steep climb but I’ll get there and I’ll soon forget all about this place, and the people in it who were unable to see past their own noses.

April 10, 2007

Yellowcard sums up all that’s worth stressing about just now

Filed under: Friends, Home, My Life, Self Pity — happychick @ 6.38p04

What news from Hell Town?, I hear you ask.
Well, I’ve been here for about 4 days and there are already a bunch of morons doing their very best to annoy me. Sadly enough, it may well be working.
I had a blow-up with an “old friend”, so to speak, who’s never gotten over her break-up and made it her mission to mess with mine.
Pete’s dating my not-so-close friend, who’s taken it upon herself to erase me from her life and the lives of everyone around her.
Pete himself is just being Pete-ish, slightly immature and hiding away from the world should he run into me (which consequently happened, with hilarious results).
I’m sleeping on the floor of Mum and Step dad’s room- quite ridiculous! There’s some “family friend” making my bed all… mannish.
To be honest it just seems like this town has begun to hate me. Even worse is the fact that everyone has an opinion as to what I’ve done wrong, or what I’ve not said right- I mean, really- go catch Chlamydia!
But I am glad to be home. Getting away from boarding is great- seeing the same thing, the same people, every day- it really does get old.
My Dad’s  death anniversary and his birthday are coming up in a couple of months- I really wonder what he’d be like if I knew him now- I really wish I had known him now. It kills me to think of the upcoming “Father-Daughter Dinner” at school, or even when I hear people talk about their dad’s… I’ve got Paul, right? And that’s awesome. But it won’t ever be the same as a real Daddy.
On the subject, I went to visit my crazy Gran in the bush last week- she really is a tough old stick. We got talking about my bro (who I’m becoming increasingly worried about), and then about my Dad(a subject which rarely, if ever, brings tears to my eyes- but alas! There is an exception to every rule)
So, to end the post on a less angry, more melancholy note, I’ll leave you with a bit of an extract from a Yellowcard song;
“And I’m sure the view from heaven,
Beats the hell out of mine here,
And if we all believe in heaven,
Maybe we’ll make it through one more year,
Down here”

xx

March 25, 2007

A Fringe- of all things!

Filed under: Friends, Happy, My Life, School, Self Pity — happychick @ 6.38p03

We were all a little bored yesterday, as one tends to get when stuck in the Boarding House with nowhere to go and little or nothing to do other than homework, when P approaches me and begins to fiddle with my hair. It’s not enough just to touch though, she has to launch into a “Oh Happychick, your hair is always the same, why don’t you try something new?” speech. I have begun to expect this from P, and so I laugh it off and continue trying to read my English book, Pride and Prejudice. But no, she persisted to tell me that I should cut myself a fringe, or- even better! That she should cut my fringe.

Now, I told you that we were bored, right? Well, here I was, feeling risky, and someone had just sent me an email saying, “Never regret anything that made you smile”.

She cut me a fringe. A fringe fringe.

It’s not hideous- in fact, when it’s wet, and if you squint really hard, you can almost see the “style” P was talking about.

I have a bit of a cowlick which also doesn’t help matters, and so, I have pinned it back.

The moral of this story is, well, I’m not exactly sure- but I must’ve leaned something, right?

It’s ironic really, my previous post, all about how I’ll “never let anyone tell me what to do”, or something similar- and here I am, sporting a fringe, of all things. I guess it’ll grow back though- and I’ll never let P touch my hair again.

To make matters so much worse, I’m drowning in homework, yet again, and have come down with a violent cold. Oh how I hate being sick. It’s quite ridiculous really, we get shots for basically everything, they’ve developed vaccines for every disease know to man, but I still have to suffer the pain of a flu two days before a test. Pathetic.

And so I will leave you for my sick clothes and my bed, seriously contemplating not going to school tomorrow.

February 21, 2007

I am having a stress attack about school, and about to burst into tears.

Filed under: School, Self Pity — happychick @ 6.38p02

On Friday afternoon, they’re taking all us Year 11’s on a Boarders Camp somewhere out near the beach. At first, yes, it all sounds quite marvelous, but, for more than one reason I am not looking forward to going.But before that. I made a big song and dance the other day about my mate whom it turns out has feelings for me back.

I turned him down. I just don’t trust myself with long-distance things. I mean, I think I’ve done the mature thing- he does NOT need to be tied down with m, nor I with him… and as cliché as it sounds, when we broke up (which we would), I’d never speak to him again, like a certain other ex.

See my point? But in a way I think I got the best deal- I have a best mate who I admire and who loves me back- and I’m free to kiss random boys whenever I please. J

Back to the camp thing-

Firstly. This school is really into swimming. And I mean REALLY. Let the fact be known that I do not swim- especially in those repulsive school bathers where everyone can see my nipples/cellulite/every other sad sight on show.

So I kinda… fibbed. I told them I cannot swim- like, cannot. As in, never learnt to. Which isn’t really true. I just don’t like swimming- let alone competitively. And this whole “camp”’ thing- I mean, who doesn’t swim at the beach? Me, apparently. So here I’ll be on the sand with undies full of sand, watching everyone enjoying the nice, salty water. Brilliant.

Secondly, I literally have 4 assignment due on Monday- NOT going to happen if I’m away all weekend!!

That’s basically it. I’m stressing out about school, failing tests left right and centre, and yet here I am typing away to you lot- what a bad influence you are! J

Xxx chick

January 27, 2007

The beginning of the end.

Filed under: My Life, School, Self Pity — happychick @ 6.38p01

And so, the day has all but come. Tomorrow night, in the most dramatic terms, I shall be starting my new life for the next two years. The daunting phase is over- as is the apprehensive, the scared, the “I think I’ma wet my pants”… the excited stage is nearing, invited or not, and one plane ride later I will be in the big city.

To this small town, I again say goodbye- until next holidays, I will miss you. And when next holidays come around, I will dread you.

To my Mum- I will miss you most of all. Everything that has happened, you have been the constant. Without that, I may crumble.

Alas, that is all I can think of to say. If I have access to the net, you betcha I’ll be writing- if not, you betcha I’ll find a way. J xxx

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