sundog

September 30, 2007

Lights and Sounds

Filed under: Happy, Home, My Life — happychick @ 6.38p09

Life makes fools out of us all. While we rush around, trying to get ahead, trying to achieve success and make something out of ourselves, trying to… well, I believe the saying is “live life to the fullest”. The irony is, however, that no matter what choices we make and what paths we take, life goes on around us regardless. When we mourn those who have gone, the whole world goes on without them. When we make a bad decision the sun still shines. Life is a trap- we’re led to believe that each one of us is the most important person in our lives, but there is so much more out there. It’s reassuring, in a way. I am but one person in a world of billions. I am one girl. Whether or not I wake up tomorrow matters to very few, in the grand scheme of things. It makes me feel small, sure- but I know that whatever mistakes I make from here on in are insignificant in the long run.

Tomorrow I’ll wake up 16 years old. That’s legal over here- legal to attain a license, legal to have sex… Not that I’ll be jumping into bed with anyone anytime soon. I don’t suppose it’ll be all that different. “Same shit different year”, as my mother would say. But it gives you extra credit, all the same. The older you are, the more respect people give you (providing you deserve it in the first place). These are supposed to be the most exciting years of my life. And they are, but not in the way I was expecting as a kid- I’d always wished and wished to be 16. They were so independent. They were free. They got to go out and go drinking and partying with boys… being 16 meant having the world at your feet. You were no longer controlled by your paretns- and school? Pfft! I could get along just fine without school. 16 meant adventures. It meant fun and danger and boy- particularly boys. Golly. Was I naïve, or was I naïve?

Fuck I love this room. Granted, it’s a bit messy atm, but if I could be anywhere in the world right now, it would be here, in this room. It’s probably the second-best bedroom I’ve ever had- and that’s saying something. I’ve had about 7. It’s a relatively big room. It’s always warm. There are perhaps one too many Orlando Bloom posters covering the walls, and the view from the window is of the neighbor’s bathroom, but it’s lovely all the same. There are a lot of fairies on the chest of drawers, on the walls, on the shelves… and books. LOADS of books. From here I can see the Harry Potter set, a couple of chick-lit dramas (ok, a LOT of chick-lit dramas), Macbeth, The Handmaids Tale, Anne of Green Gables… Yes, I couldn’t live without my books.

I haven’t got s lot else to say. I should be going to bed. It’s my birthday tomorrow, after all. Until then, I leave you. J x x

August 23, 2007

“Except on Wednesdays, when I get rudely awakened by the dustmen”

Filed under: Family, Happy, My Life, School — happychick @ 6.38p08

So, I’ve finally realized what my Mum meant all those times she said “childhood is the best time of your life”, and “years pass with the blink of an eye”… It’s almost September. Anushka will be 16 in 23 days, and I’m not so far behind. I’ve applied for a couple of leadership positions at school for next year- I won’t talk too much about it in case I a) jinx it, or b) am unsuccessful and have wasted breath on the subject. School’s going well- in essence, it never really changes, which is why I appear so repetitive on the subject. I’m worried about my brother, though. He’s been going through all sorts of things lately, not the least of which being an uncertainty of his sexuality- Mum even appears to think he had some kind of Autism as a kid. We’re not like other siblings, BJ and I. We don’t fight, but we certainly don’t get along. We really are from different planets. That said, we are siblings. Deep down, somewhere, I care about him and what happens in his life. He reminds me a lot of my Dad, actually. Not that I remember him all that well. Dad was very similar- introverted, moody, but with good intentions underneath the façade. I just hope BJ doesn’t end up the way Dad was toward the end of his life. I don’t want my brother to struggle with inner demons for the rest of his life. We’re studying Macbeth in Literature at the moment. To be honest, I’ve never hated anything more than I hate this- not since that drawn-out episode with Bilson, anyway. At the risk of being struck down by God, Shakespeare really wasn’t all he’s cracked up to be- talented, yes. Eccentric, definitely. But not the literary genius that he’s renowned as. I’d rather read Bryce Courtenay any day. I’m to see GG on Monday. She’s a tough old duck, I’ll give her that- she’d have to be, I suppose, to have given birth to my Dad and endure all the horrors that family had the misfortune of being dealt. I don’t think I’d mind all that much if I end up a little like her- having a beard, however, might be more than I could take. I’m wondering if crossing your legs really does give you varicose veins. I’ve been finding myself crossing and uncrossing and then wondering if all this movement is, in turn, giving me varicose veins. Oh, the irony. How do they come about anyway? My step dad thinks I need a man. A few of my guy-friends seem to think so too. It’s times like these I feel like a 70-year-old stuck in a 15-year-olds body. I’d rather curl up and watch Robin than hook in with every boy who deems it necessary. Paul might have a point though- it’s been a while, and I’m wondering if I’ve lost my game. And that’s the update. They always say it’s the little things that make a person interesting, but reading back through this post, I’m inclined to beg to differ. P.S. I was thinking today about how much of our charity money actually gets to the poor people in Africa/Indonesia/Detroit. I enjoy the “sense of enormous wellbeing” I get from giving, but it saddens me to think of those who still aren’t getting.

June 29, 2007

Strive for excellence, not perfection

Filed under: Happy, My Life — happychick @ 6.38p06

I’m not sure when it happened- maybe one of you would like to shed some light, because I sure can’t. I can’t pinpoint a date or a moment that triggered it, but somewhere between thinking it had happened, realizing it hadn’t, and giving up trying to make it a reality, I grew up.

Growing up- and I’m not done yet, by a long shot- isn’t what I thought it would be. I haven’t stopped fantasizing about mine and Ville’s wedding and I still sleep with a teddy bear. I twiddle my thumbs as I wait for my Mum to call, but this time, it’s not to tell her that Peters’ asked me to go bowling or that I’ve discovered the ideal foundation for my skin- it’s to ask if she likes it better that I’m away more often, so as to limit our pathetic arguments, or to see how her “romantic weekend away” went.

I’ve not make-up for a week. I don’t know if that constitutes growing up, or laziness, or some kind of social experiment going on in my subconscious, but I thought it substantial enough to share. Another weird thing happened to me yesterday, but I think it deserves a whole new paragraph…

My religion teacher is an insane mess of pent-up sexual energy, seclusion and delusion and, most importantly, a complete loss of common sense. She is, quite literally, a froot-loop, and looks like one too. (Note: Frootloops are a breakfast cereal, circular, colorful, loaded with sugar…). She told us yesterday that, quote, “God gives me orgasms”… It was the biggest *HONK* moment of my life.

I really am looking forward to going home next Friday- I mean, I’ve got shitloads of homework to get through while we’re off camping but the mere fact that I’ll be around my Mum makes it all worthwhile. Being away from her all the time makes me wonder what she’d say about my decisions or the new jeans I bought- I value her opinion and everyone needs a little guidance here and there.

June 18, 2007

EXAM RESULTS

Filed under: Happy, School — happychick @ 6.38p06

While I face a substantial amount of homework involving Wallace Stevens and his views on imagination and reality, I am also experiencing what can only be described as one of the proudest moments in my life. I aced my exams. Passed all of them. With relatively high marks, too. But English Literature is where I really excelled. It’s ironic, really. I finished the exam so early, and wrote much shorter essays than the other girls, that I was sure I’d all but failed. Not so, said my English teacher as she verbally drowned me in her praise. I’d topped the class with 84%. Topped. The. Class. I even beat J, who, if I’m honest, I’ve had the secret desire to defeat since… well, the first day I met her. And wasn’t her pompous-ass shocked when she asked me smugly “how I’d gone”… The teach said it had “given her a great treat” to read my exam and that I “continue to surprise her”. I mean, if she’d spoken that way much longer my ego may have expanded to unimaginable proportions. Alas, I did well. I did really well. And as much as I hate that girl who does better than everyone else and sets about making it known by the whole world- I am her. Okay, ego check. I only passed my Math exam with 67%- exactly what I deserved in terms of how much effort I put into it, and my Human Bio was a 76%, which is below my average. But Lit. Oh, Lit. It’s times like these those of you who think I’m decidedly “mature” and, dare I say “refined”- see that it is not so. Underneath it all, I really am just a competitive little kid hell-bent on proving herself to the world- but if I’m being honest, aren’t we all?

May 29, 2007

Never in my life will I refuse to admit that I’m wrong.

Filed under: Friends, Happy, My Life — happychick @ 6.38p05

Exams are so close. They’re so daunting. More than that, they’re sooo taking over my life. And I hate it. I mean, when it all comes down to it- exams are just that. Exams. They aren’t called “Matters of Life or Death”, and they certainly aren’t the be-all and end-all of my life, or anyone’s, for that matter.

The long weekend starts on Thursday night. Nan’s called to tell me I’ll have to stay somewhere else until Friday, as she’ll still be “Radioactive” until then. It’s an inconvenience, but again, something in life a person must deal with. Her treatment’s going well, though- I’ve been ringing as regularly as I can remember, and each time I talk to her she seems more and more optimistic. I really do hope that this whole lymphoma experience changes her- hope being the operative word. She’s so damn stubborn and set in her ways that it’d take another Nazi take-over to change her lifestyle. But at least it will have shown her that there are things out of her control; things and circumstances she cannot change or be rid of when it suits her. Perhaps she’ll be enlightened.

I’ll be 16 in October, and I’ll have spent 16 years on this earth, living and learning, and loving not quite enough. P said I was “cold” today. She and Case both agreed that it must’ve been Pete who turned me this way. They say that “behind every bitch is a man who made her that way”, and the conversation turned to what could’ve made me so. For myself, I’m not cold. I’m too honest and too harsh, but I feel the way others do. In the words of The Breakfast Club, “I have just as many feelings as you do, and hurts just as much when someone steps all over them”. But the girls were right- I can come across as unfeeling. As cold. As nasty, too, depending on how you look at it. It takes getting used to an I’ll be the first to admit I’m a giant pain in the backside to live with, to talk to, to accept- and yet people do accept me. They befriend me, they value my opinion. So I must be doing something right.

Mum says I’ve grown up. That means a helluva lot, coming from her. It’s something gradual, I believe. While the other girls message boys, pretending to be drunk, I’m the girl who’s doing the study. When the boarding girls put up a wall, forbidding day-girls to even speak to them, I’m the one who branches out. It’s not half as conceited as it sounds- the girls in here are too often snooty and disrespectful, rebellious and ridiculous. They think they’re mature enough to flout the rules and judge the other girls. They think they’re mature enough to say one thing and do another, and that the term “hypocrisy” doesn’t apply to them. It’s a generalization, I know, and there are some who I’m not referring to- but in the end, is it the rebel, who screams and shouts when life is unfair, who’s mature? Or is it the “nerd”, the “goody-goody”, who does what they’re told and accepts that not everything in life is fair- and that there’s a time to speak up and a time to shut up– the latter of which the Boarder’s have the most trouble with.

And with that cynical take on Boarding life I leave you- be sure to remember that life is a grand thing and that no-one, not anybody, in the whole world can take away what you have inside of you- that strength and that will to do what you believe is right.

May 18, 2007

Friday Night Catharsis

Filed under: Friends, Happy, My Life, School — happychick @ 6.38p05

Friday nights are my self-reflection time. I like to write letters to old friends or send texts to those I’ve neglected during the week. I write Journal entries and read books and generally take a break from studying. It’s hard not to feel overwhelmed by all that’s going on at the moment, so it’s good to have some time to just sit and do as little as possible. My Nan’s motto is to do as much as possible as often as possible, in an attempt to get the most out of life. The result is a high-strung 60-something woman who cannot see the beauty of a dewy lawn or take the time to acknowledge an elderly neighbor’s meek hello. That’s nothing against my Nan- she’s the kindest thing since Mother Teresa but her priorities are a little misconstrued.

This afternoon was devoted to a school-wide “Fun Run”. 1,500 squawking girls dressed in the smallest shorts they owned, some going as far as to turn up in underwear and a cape, all trekking through the suburbs on a five km “Hike Though The Hills”. For myself, it was a great excuse to get out of Human Bio and Dance, to get out into the fresh air, release a few thousand endorphins and wonder when exactly it was that the idea of dressing up like a twat and running though the streets became immature. It was more of an Un-Fun Walk, in terms of the lactic acid build-up I am now battling.

I’ve been noticing my despicable behavior toward the other girls lately- despicable being no form of an understatement. I’ll put it down to being stressed, what with those dreadful exams and school in general- the fact the my new Human Bio teacher is a moron makes matters no better. It’s no excuse I know, to be treating others so, and I must post about my cruelty once a month (at a minimum), but in doing so I get a tad bit more self-aware and can once again attempt to curb my disagreeableness. I don’t want to be a source of intimidation for the other girls- and I want to keep my friends.

Tomorrow morning Em is coming to pick me up. She and Mum have been friends for years, and she’s simply a wonderful person. The only apprehension I have about going to her place this weekend is that her girlfriend is more than a little rough-looking, in terms of not being happy until everyone knows her sexuality. I mean, it’s fine, you’re a lesbian- but there is no reason to parade around like it’s some kind of badge of honor. I’m clinging to the hope that underneath the façade she’s a genuinely nice person, worthy of Emma, and that the weekend won’t be a complete awkward disaster.

The ex and the ex-friend have officially called it a day- not to my surprise or displeasure. I mean, I can’t pretend that it makes me happy to see her heart broken (over the internet!), but then, I no longer care enough about the whole affair to be upset. I did message her, however- not having experienced it myself, I would assumed being dropped is a terrible occurrence- one that no-one should have to bear.

Cate has been giving me regular updates about the episodes of Robin Hood, as I don’t watch it at boarding. She has a love interest in her life; a boy, I predict, who will make her happy for a decent amount of time, if either one of them works up the courage to ask the other out.

As for myself, I’m in a decent state of catharsis at the moment- I’m quite happy to “plod along”, as Mum puts it, studying when I can, going for walks, getting in touch with my spirituality before I lose it altogether. I’m not sure of anything and I’m not sure I want to be. All I’m wanting for is a weekend that lasts a long time and involves plenty of adventures.

May 10, 2007

*Sigh* Another Day In Paradise

Filed under: Friends, Happy — happychick @ 6.38p05

Exams are coming up faster than even I had anticipated- and I’ve been planning study timetables for a month. Everyone has gone into shock and stress attacks are becoming more and more frequent. I know in my heart it’s not worth worrying yourself to tears, and yet I find myself having to remind myself of it more and more often- a complete mental breakdown would no doubt be bad for my complexion. I thought I’d take some time out to write a little something to keep you guys up on what’s going on nowadays- I’ll have you know Peter and my “not-date” went wonderfully. He’s not changed much at all, other than I have a sneaking suspicion he may be doing drugs. It upsets me to think so- an increasing number of people I know/ know of/ try not to know are falling into the very same trap. I swore to myself I’d never befriend or be close to a person who did that to themselves- and I mean to stand by it. His birthday party in June is going to be a messed-up bunch of his “friends” getting drunk and high and no doubt taking even worse illicit substances… There’s no way in the world I’d subject myself to that kind of environment. I guess I am a prude- I’m judgmental of the type of kids who do that, and I definitely think I can do better- but you must understand, my mother raised me to be terrified of drugs, and I’ve taught myself to resist the temptation. I don’t want to get sucked in and end up- well, end up on a completely different track, spiraling toward nothingness. Not to mention my Mum would probably murder me. :p School is just what you’d expect- the girls are being girly, the sluts are being slutty, and the weather is slowly fading into winter- rain and cold and sickness all round. I’m glad, in a way- a sense of normality is great once in a while, and I particularly enjoy sitting back and people-watching to convince myself I’m not the only one in this world with problems. Nanna started her treatment today. Her lymphoma’s not curable, but treatable, I’ve been told. All signs are good, but that doesn’t stop the nagging feeling of dread that refuses to cease. I’m sure I’m just overreacting and looking for a place to use dramatic vocabulary, but you’ve all been there and will know what I mean. I fit back into my “skinny” jeans…just. But fit into them I do. And so, to Juan- I have indeed been making progress, even thought the weather here is repulsive. Anushka and I went out on the weekend- poor thing’s caught a cold since then. We really felt Andy’s absence and I almost wanted to cry. I miss him. There aren’t a lot of words to describe it any other way. Paige said to me yesterday that every time she sees me I “get prettier”. It was a compliment and a half, as you can see- she’s a naturally nice girl but I really appreciated it. That’s not to say I do get prettier by the day- only that it’s nice to have someone say so. I can’t emphasize how much I miss my Mum. We’re so close nowadays that it feels as though I’ve lost my right arm- I’ve certainly lost my confidante, my objective observer, and my best friend. I really can’t wait to see her next holidays- we get along so well it’s as though I’m just catching up with a mate. To all of those wonderful women out there who call themselves Mums, Happy Mothers Day for Sunday. And for all those who’s Mother’s are indeed one of a kind- tell them you love them, and really let them know the extent of your appreciation- know I will.

April 23, 2007

Ah… It is my “List”

Filed under: Happy, My Life — happychick @ 6.38p04

My “List”

(read the post below and understand fully)

 

1. Ville Valo (lead singer of HIM)

2. Mikey Way (My Chemical Romance bassist)

3. Gerard Way (My Chemical Romance vocalist, and Mikey’s older brother)

4. Adam Lazzara (Taking Back Sunday vocalist)

5. Jonas Armstrong (BBC’s Robin Hood)

6. Orlando Bloom (Actor)

7. Billie Joe (Green Day vocalist)

8. Johnny Depp (Actor)

9. Judd Nelson, in 1982 (The Breakfast Club’s John Bender)

10. Barry Watson (Brian Davis, What About Brian)

11. Penn Badgley (Scott Tucker (The Other Tucker), John Tucker Must Die)

12. Viggo Mortenson (Aragorn, Lord Of The Rings)

April 15, 2007

Red

Filed under: Happy, My Life — happychick @ 6.38p04

OHEMGEE.

LOL.

I just found out that Red Simons was in SkyHooks!

Seriously.

April 1, 2007

Fitness

Filed under: Happy, My Life — happychick @ 6.38p04

I never realized just how unfit I’d become- until Friday morning, of course. I forced KT to come to cross country with me for the first time- there was no way I’d have gone by myself- and am I glad that I didn’t.

I remember back in Primary School- I was a pretty decent runner. I’d come second or third in each race, and I’d love the feeling I got from pushing myself to the absolute limit and beyond, and coming out on top.

That sort of talent quickly dissolves when it’s not used, much like many other things in life. I just didn’t know how quickly.

It was basically Embarrassment 101- I was walking behind as the others jogged on- even KT managed to keep up. I got a stitch and ran out of breath as we did laps of the oval, and could feel the pity stares as I came in last. The whole morning was a nightmare- I was fucking humiliated, to say the least.

And that’s what’s made me all the more determined to stick with it.

I saw how those girls looked at me, and I felt like a failure- which was to be expected, in hindsight- but beforehand I actually thought I could’ve handled it.

KT and I have decided to start training next term, and so, tomorrow morning, we’ll go for a run by ourselves, rather than try to keep up with the girls who’ve been doing this sort of thing for years.

I’ve really come to terms with it lately, especially in regards to weight and fitness- if you don’t have the discipline, if you don’t have the control, you’ll be stuck in a rut and find it a thousand times harder to climb out.

One example of this is JL- she’s a wonderful girl- she really is. But her eating’s been out of control lately, and I can see it in her waistline. I’m not worried about her weight, though- I’m worried about her health.

I saw it happen to my brother- he ate and ate and when he finally decided to do something about it, it was too late- he’s no longer got the will power to resist that Maccas burger, that Coke or that cake- and JL’s becoming that way too. And I can see her as the type of girl to try something drastic, even dangerous, to change the size of her stomach, and that’s not the way to do it. I never want to end up like that.

The entire point of this post was to tell you that I’m getting serious- I’m getting fit. I’m getting healthy and I’m excited about it, guys- I really am. It won’t be easy and I can tell that already- but I will not be another statistic of the overweight Australian youth- I will not.

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