sundog

March 20, 2008

I am still alive, but barely

Filed under: Family, Friends, My Life, School, Self Pity — happychick @ 6.38p03

I’m shocking, I know, but school’s knocked me on my ass and posting here is below scratching myself on my list of priorities right now…

That said, it’s the Easter long weekend and what better time to take a step back and reflect. I think I’ll do a bit of a recap- “The year so far”

So Happychick’s entered her final, very daunting year of High school. She’s hoping to be accepted into the state’s second most prestigious University next year, provided she passes her end-of-year exams with some sort of success…

Going back to boarding at the beginning of the year killed me. The holidays had been so free, so easygoing (albeit monotonous). It was back to having dinner at 5.30 in the afternoon, back to structured study times and back to sharing a god damn room. I’m the single most self absorbed person in the universe and a total control freak- poor Casey cops a yelling every time something doesn’t go my way.

Being elected onto the Student Council was flattering (and we all know power corrupts) but it just meant more work for me and probably wasn’t the best choice in terms of my school scores and stress-related breakouts.

It’s Week 8 already, I’ve seen two cricket games, had 7 tests, kissed a boy, done a public speech, lost weight, gained weight, had to cope with the news of Nan’s most recent battle with cancer, dealt with the aftermath of my brother’s attempted suicide, bought a house, planned a trip to England, waxed my legs, made my best mate cry, had a school ball, lost (and then found) my phone, had a swimming carnival, fought with my Mum and thought about throwing it all in and becoming a hairdresser a total of 6.9 times.

The biggies here are of course BJ’s diagnosis with depression and his attempted suicide. When he told me what he’d done I was so angry– I was angry at my Mum, for lying to me about it. I was angry at him for following the same self-harming path our late father did. I was so mad at myself for having no reaction other than saying “Wow” about fifty thousand times, and Jesus I was angry at God or whoever it is that controls these things for adding this to my ever-mounting burden pile. I just kept thinking, I’m 16 years old for fuck sake. My Dad’s dead, my Grandmother’s dying, my brother’s trying to top himself, my Mum’s having financial problems, my schoolwork’s getting on top of me, my acne’s getting worse- when does it end? Will it end? Am I just going to explode one day, crawl up into a ball and cry myself into oblivion? The school shrink sure seems to think so.

The best thing about this blog I find is that I can rant and rave about my self-pity for as long as I damn-well like and no one can tell me my selfishness is getting out of hand.

The Ball was amazing, though. It was… fabulous. If I knew how to post photos I would, but I’m so technologically illiterate you’ll just have to imagine. I wore this stunning red strapless dress that (unbeknownst to me) actually made me look 2 months pregnant, but I looked so beautiful I really think I could’ve given Angelina a run for her money. I’m not really one for dressing up, you see. I wear Converse High-tops and jeans, t-shirts with silly slogans and a ponytail most days. The fact that I did look so stunning made me think that there really is hope for me yet- give it five years and a bit of exercise and I’ll have nice skin and enough money to afford good fashion, and the boys wont just think I’m that silly outspoken girl who doesn’t mind if you use your tongue.

I miss being able to do this each arvo. I miss having a life actually- schoolwork is so much harder than I’d anticipated and I’m really not coping. I feel like I’m the only one but the other girls assure me they’re struggling too, but it’s taking everything I’ve got and more to maintain a B-average, which saddens me more because I’d been a solid A throughout last year. I want so badly to get into Uni but if I’m being slaughtered in high school maybe tertiary education isn’t for me.

On a more positive note, I don’t have to go back to school for 10 whole days- and let me assure you, that’s a relief.

Advertisements

December 10, 2007

Checkouts, Brett Lee, Scrapbooking

Filed under: Friends, My Life, Self Pity, Work — happychick @ 6.38p12

Working as a checkout chick the past few weeks has revealed a few things to me, and confirmed some others. Firstly, it’s made me realize just how heartbreakingly sad the lives are of some of the people in this town. It’s served to reiterate just how lucky I am to be boarding away from the filthy environment and stale atmosphere of the place, and it’s taught me just how capable I am and just how lucky I am to have a mind that works the way mine does- to establish right from wrong, o act in a mature, sensible way, to be NORMAL.

It’s made me realize that I don’t want to be working like this, repetitive, monotonous, bland, for the rest of my life. I want adventure. I want creativity and excitement and laughter.

The Egyptian trolley boy has asked me out a few times- I’m really bad at this sort of thing so I don’t really know what to say. He’s sweet and funny all that jazz, and we all know I have a soft spot for foreigners with accents, but, let’s face it- he’s an Egyptian immigrant. He’s a trolley boy. He’s 20 something with a name I can’t pronounce… It’ll never work out.

It’s now I begin to wonder if I’m shallow- and I know the answer is a yes. I’ve always been in it for me, though, If that makes sense. I always look out for what’s best for myself. If I can help someone out or cheer someone up along the way, great, but let’s face it- when was the last time I did something completely selfless, without hope of a reward?

I miss Casey. She doesn’t know it and I won’t be the one to tell her. We’re mates through convenience- she’s my rock and I’m hers at Boarding. But it gets lonely in this house and I took her presence for granted a lot of the time.

Nush got back from Canberra the other day, I called and asked her how it all went. She had such an awesome time and saw so many cool things it was hard not to be jealous and resent being stuck in this God-awful place for the next two months. It makes me pity myself and I hate that feeling. She even saw Brett Lee!

“OMG guess who I saw at the airport?”

“John Howard?”

“No. Brett Lee”

“No way- he’s like the best spin bowler ever!”

*silence*

“He’s a fast bowler”

*silence*

“That’s what I said”

Tomorrow’s my day off, I’m going to work on my scrapbook. X x

August 17, 2007

Friendships

Filed under: Friends — happychick @ 6.38p08

Friendships are more complicated than people give them credit for. Andy told me recently he’s a devout Christian. It was blunt and yet casual- like a new hairstyle or a manicure. I was shocked and alarmed, it was comical, and then just a little frightening. I didn’t understand. Only then did I realize that it’s very hard to accept something you can’t comprehend. And only then did I realize how little I really knew my “best mate”. Don’t get me wrong- he’s a wonderful guy. Kind and thoughtful and able to get along with anyone. But secretive. Small on details. I’d never been to his house when he lived in Aus. Andy never talked about his family. I guess I spent most of our time together talking about myself- and he spent it listening. Only now do I realize what kind of relationship we had- and what it had the potential to be. I don’t regret what we had- quite the opposite. I treasure every moment the three of us spent together, those afternoons at “our bench”. I suppose I’m a little nostalgic, is all. Andy wasn’t- isn’t- all I had him pinned for. He’s wonderful, yes. He’s funny, yes. And then, there is so much more to him I’ve never known. Perhaps it’s better that way. That Anushka and I are still close is a blessing I give thanks every day for. Without her, I would be nothing. I would have nothing. We are kindred spirits. Best friends. We are one, and yet we are individuals. It’s the sort of friendship Anne and Diana had. Pooh and Piglet, Bill and Ben. The sort that always changes and never dies. The only other person I can honestly say I have that with anymore is my Mother. She is amazing. I’ve said it all before. She is my heart and soul and the day she dies, I will lose my other half. A far cry from the intense hate I harbored for her as a young teen. Friendships change and are complicated and are wonderful. It’s a bit like falling in love, isn’t it? Not that I’m all that experienced in that respect.

July 19, 2007

Good Lord I have nice hands.

Filed under: Friends, Home, My Life — happychick @ 6.38p07

I caught up with Kk today- RACK is dead and buried but it was so nice to be able to talk to her just like we used to. She’s on a health kick similar to my own- the only difference being that perhaps she’s more consistent and motivated.

I bought the new Missy Higgins album “On a Clear Night” when we were away last week- I saw her live once, did I mention? She wasn’t wearing any shoes, which at the time made her very strange- probably the reason why I love her and her music so much.

Mum bleached my cons and so they look (almost) as good as new. I can vaguely recall when only “emos” wore Converse- just goes to show how things change, right?

I think one of the biggest things about going away and coming back is that the kids in this town judge you on your return. Suddenly I’ve slept with him and dress like that- I’m not the same, I’ve changed, I’m a “city bitch”… Sometimes it’s not all bad. But usually it is. I don’t mind so much anymore- it used to get to me. But everyone changes. All of my tight clique of friends aren’t so tight anymore. The ones who can accept that I am changing and becoming different- whether for better or for worse- are the mates that really matter.

Mum and I went shopping yesterday- jeans shopping. It was kinda upsetting, having my own mother imply that I’m fat- well, fatter than I was. “I’m not a size 11!” I wanted to scream. But sadly… I was. Am.

Looking through Kk’s movies today we dug out “Anaconda”- that awfully frightening Jlo movie with Ice Cube and John Voit (Angelina Jolie’s dad)… It’s strange watching it now and laughing at how pathetic the acting and the storyline is, when not so long ago I was terrified of watching it.

On Saturday Harry Potter 7 comes out- I’ve been looking forward to this for two long years. It’s also when the lotto is drawn- Mum thinks she’ll win it big. Saturday, July 21 is also the 7th anniversary of my Dad’s death. To be honest, I forgot. I really did. The calendar brought it back with a shock and I began to feel like the worst daughter in the world. But despite it all, I am happy. And he’d be happy that I’m happy.

I can’t wait to go back to school, only 1 semester to go and then I’ll officially be a Year 12.

I’m excited about Nush and my joint birthday- we are so close after all these years that I don’t think I could know more about her if we were married.

I’m confident the rest of this holidays will go smoothly if the StepDad can resist the urge to be an ass, if the brother can learn to clean up after himself and if I can deal with the large amounts of homework I’ve put off until the last minute. Later.

(BTW Kk- I found that post which upset you all those weeks ago- completely insensitive. Apologies. )

June 17, 2007

Assumptions…

Filed under: Friends, My Life — happychick @ 6.38p06

As much as I’m keen to admit it, I hate being wrong. I make too many assumptions for my own good.

Peter assures me he’s not on drugs, and I’m inclined to believe him, against my better judgment. There’s not a lot else to say, really- he’s such a good guy, I believe what he says, and I have no idea what my true feelings for him are. The last thing I need right now is a boy to complicate things, and I know it. Why, then, did I agree to go bowling with him next month? God, blame it on the hormones.

Keith- nah, I don’t suppose I do. I’ve always hated the thought of on-off relationships, people who break up and get back together time and time again… The ex and I have done our time, and it was great while it lasted. We will never date again. I can assure you that.

I miss my Mum! Shit I miss my Mum. I was sitting in the doctors surgery yesterday and I was quite shocked at just how much I am looking forward to going home this holidays… Immensely so.

Ah… The doctors. You see, I’m unwell. So much so that my pervious post was just about as realistic as it was dramatic. The doc took 5 vials of blood from my arm, leaving me with a pretty awesome bruise- I’m not sure what he’s testing for, but perhaps my bowel cancer paranoia wasn’t so unfounded after all. A suggestion of celiac (some kind of wheat intolerance) may be a less dramatic, more realistic diagnosis.

Alas! School starts again tomorrow and then only THREE weeks until holidays. I’m busting to see C, and apologize first-hand to Kk, plus… well, maybe on our family travels there’ll be a friend or two to be made.

June 8, 2007

Friday Night Again- Listening to Taking Back Sunday in my Jammies.

Filed under: Friends, My Life, School — happychick @ 6.38p06

My Mum once had food poisoning- she said she thought she was going to die. She was curled up and rocking- I’ve never seen anything quite like it. Now, I’m not experiencing food poisoning or anything of the sort- but I am that kind of ill you simply cannot shake.

The ill that makes your head throb like someone’s cracked you with a cricket bat. The ill that has you writhing with stomach pain, feeling weak and… well, as if you’re going to die.

Okay, reading back over that it was a little dramatic- I’ve never handled sickness well, and being in the middle of exams makes things no better.

I had my Human Bio exam yesterday- an easy pass, although I’m disappointed that I didn’t study as hard as I could’ve, or should’ve. Maths is on Monday morning (*vomit*), English Lit on Tuesday arvo, and Media last on Wednesday.

I spoke to Shona the other day online. She’s dropped out of school and is moving across the country. I’m a big believer in a good education and it really threw me when she said she’d thrown in the towel. Thinking about it now, though, it was probably the best thing she could’ve done. She’s the definition of “alternative”- to put it bluntly, she’s a new-age hippie. I’ve had a look at the alternative school she’s thinking about enrolling in, and all I can say is- go for it. The place was made for you, and people like you- and I’m sure you’ll find a hundred kindred spirits.

The long weekend was a great break. My Nan lives near this amazing lake, and I made a point of going for a walk around it every morning while I was there. The great thing about morning walks, I find, is the utter lack of teenage life. None of our generation will get up before 11 if they have the choice. And so the majority of people I encountered on these “strolls” were the retirees- friendly and smiley and almost always replying to my polite “Good Morning”. It was interesting, though- my friend and I were walking to the shopping centre and we passed an older man going the opposite way. Out of habit I said hello, and Nush looked at me in surprise- “Do you know him?” she asked, after he had replied, and was out of ear shot. Of course not, I thought. It struck me then how distant people have become from one another. Maybe it’s the age of technology, with an iPod plugged in and a phone in hand (I’m not one to talk, mind you- I’m terrible in terms of my iPod taking over my life). Maybe it’s just the fear of invading another person’s personal space. I don’t know what it is, and can provide no insight- but it’s saddening, all the same. When did people become so isolated?

My Mum can be decidedly immature sometimes. It still trips me out to realize that this woman, whom I look up to so damn much, is human too and can really be an idiot when the mood strikes her. She says things that are clearly a ploy to make her seem tough/ funny/ independent. It gets me thinking, when do people grow up? Is there a stage in a persons’ life where they are fully mature, responsible adults? The answer is clearly no- and when I meet one of these fabled adults, I shall be sure to let you know.

Interestingly enough, the ex and I had a long chat online on the weekend. We haven’t spoken for months (not since the last time I was decidedly rude to him at his school). It was all a bit surreal. He had a lot to say, none of it particularly abusive or even important- but interesting all the same. We talked about the ex-friend and his spineless internet dumping of her- his reasons were alarming, to tell the truth. I didn’t need to be told she was a rebound that he used to “try to get over me”. I certainly didn’t want to be privy to a comparison of the two relationships- not only rude to her, but unpleasant for myself. That said, I was glad for a chance to apologize- I’ll be the first to admit I’ve acted like a twat since Christmas, and it’s nice to be back on “Speaking terms”.

To Jon- 6 months isn’t bad at all. Happy Birthday. My Mum always said I’d be lucky to make it to seventeen- we’ll see if she’s right.

What else is there to share? Life goes on, “much as it has this past age”, and things don’t look set on changing drastically too soon. My close friend Tarn says I should “make a move” on a certain male friend- I asked her why she thought so. It seems as though she too has fallen into the “I’m nothing without a boyfriend” trap- I told her politely that I’m not looking for a boy, and it’s true- relationships are so much hassle it’s not even feasible for me to waste my time.

But, should Ville Valo come along I would gladly change my mind- the man is divine and I wouldn’t give THAT up for all the Grape Hubba Bubba in the world.

May 29, 2007

Never in my life will I refuse to admit that I’m wrong.

Filed under: Friends, Happy, My Life — happychick @ 6.38p05

Exams are so close. They’re so daunting. More than that, they’re sooo taking over my life. And I hate it. I mean, when it all comes down to it- exams are just that. Exams. They aren’t called “Matters of Life or Death”, and they certainly aren’t the be-all and end-all of my life, or anyone’s, for that matter.

The long weekend starts on Thursday night. Nan’s called to tell me I’ll have to stay somewhere else until Friday, as she’ll still be “Radioactive” until then. It’s an inconvenience, but again, something in life a person must deal with. Her treatment’s going well, though- I’ve been ringing as regularly as I can remember, and each time I talk to her she seems more and more optimistic. I really do hope that this whole lymphoma experience changes her- hope being the operative word. She’s so damn stubborn and set in her ways that it’d take another Nazi take-over to change her lifestyle. But at least it will have shown her that there are things out of her control; things and circumstances she cannot change or be rid of when it suits her. Perhaps she’ll be enlightened.

I’ll be 16 in October, and I’ll have spent 16 years on this earth, living and learning, and loving not quite enough. P said I was “cold” today. She and Case both agreed that it must’ve been Pete who turned me this way. They say that “behind every bitch is a man who made her that way”, and the conversation turned to what could’ve made me so. For myself, I’m not cold. I’m too honest and too harsh, but I feel the way others do. In the words of The Breakfast Club, “I have just as many feelings as you do, and hurts just as much when someone steps all over them”. But the girls were right- I can come across as unfeeling. As cold. As nasty, too, depending on how you look at it. It takes getting used to an I’ll be the first to admit I’m a giant pain in the backside to live with, to talk to, to accept- and yet people do accept me. They befriend me, they value my opinion. So I must be doing something right.

Mum says I’ve grown up. That means a helluva lot, coming from her. It’s something gradual, I believe. While the other girls message boys, pretending to be drunk, I’m the girl who’s doing the study. When the boarding girls put up a wall, forbidding day-girls to even speak to them, I’m the one who branches out. It’s not half as conceited as it sounds- the girls in here are too often snooty and disrespectful, rebellious and ridiculous. They think they’re mature enough to flout the rules and judge the other girls. They think they’re mature enough to say one thing and do another, and that the term “hypocrisy” doesn’t apply to them. It’s a generalization, I know, and there are some who I’m not referring to- but in the end, is it the rebel, who screams and shouts when life is unfair, who’s mature? Or is it the “nerd”, the “goody-goody”, who does what they’re told and accepts that not everything in life is fair- and that there’s a time to speak up and a time to shut up– the latter of which the Boarder’s have the most trouble with.

And with that cynical take on Boarding life I leave you- be sure to remember that life is a grand thing and that no-one, not anybody, in the whole world can take away what you have inside of you- that strength and that will to do what you believe is right.

May 18, 2007

Friday Night Catharsis

Filed under: Friends, Happy, My Life, School — happychick @ 6.38p05

Friday nights are my self-reflection time. I like to write letters to old friends or send texts to those I’ve neglected during the week. I write Journal entries and read books and generally take a break from studying. It’s hard not to feel overwhelmed by all that’s going on at the moment, so it’s good to have some time to just sit and do as little as possible. My Nan’s motto is to do as much as possible as often as possible, in an attempt to get the most out of life. The result is a high-strung 60-something woman who cannot see the beauty of a dewy lawn or take the time to acknowledge an elderly neighbor’s meek hello. That’s nothing against my Nan- she’s the kindest thing since Mother Teresa but her priorities are a little misconstrued.

This afternoon was devoted to a school-wide “Fun Run”. 1,500 squawking girls dressed in the smallest shorts they owned, some going as far as to turn up in underwear and a cape, all trekking through the suburbs on a five km “Hike Though The Hills”. For myself, it was a great excuse to get out of Human Bio and Dance, to get out into the fresh air, release a few thousand endorphins and wonder when exactly it was that the idea of dressing up like a twat and running though the streets became immature. It was more of an Un-Fun Walk, in terms of the lactic acid build-up I am now battling.

I’ve been noticing my despicable behavior toward the other girls lately- despicable being no form of an understatement. I’ll put it down to being stressed, what with those dreadful exams and school in general- the fact the my new Human Bio teacher is a moron makes matters no better. It’s no excuse I know, to be treating others so, and I must post about my cruelty once a month (at a minimum), but in doing so I get a tad bit more self-aware and can once again attempt to curb my disagreeableness. I don’t want to be a source of intimidation for the other girls- and I want to keep my friends.

Tomorrow morning Em is coming to pick me up. She and Mum have been friends for years, and she’s simply a wonderful person. The only apprehension I have about going to her place this weekend is that her girlfriend is more than a little rough-looking, in terms of not being happy until everyone knows her sexuality. I mean, it’s fine, you’re a lesbian- but there is no reason to parade around like it’s some kind of badge of honor. I’m clinging to the hope that underneath the façade she’s a genuinely nice person, worthy of Emma, and that the weekend won’t be a complete awkward disaster.

The ex and the ex-friend have officially called it a day- not to my surprise or displeasure. I mean, I can’t pretend that it makes me happy to see her heart broken (over the internet!), but then, I no longer care enough about the whole affair to be upset. I did message her, however- not having experienced it myself, I would assumed being dropped is a terrible occurrence- one that no-one should have to bear.

Cate has been giving me regular updates about the episodes of Robin Hood, as I don’t watch it at boarding. She has a love interest in her life; a boy, I predict, who will make her happy for a decent amount of time, if either one of them works up the courage to ask the other out.

As for myself, I’m in a decent state of catharsis at the moment- I’m quite happy to “plod along”, as Mum puts it, studying when I can, going for walks, getting in touch with my spirituality before I lose it altogether. I’m not sure of anything and I’m not sure I want to be. All I’m wanting for is a weekend that lasts a long time and involves plenty of adventures.

May 10, 2007

*Sigh* Another Day In Paradise

Filed under: Friends, Happy — happychick @ 6.38p05

Exams are coming up faster than even I had anticipated- and I’ve been planning study timetables for a month. Everyone has gone into shock and stress attacks are becoming more and more frequent. I know in my heart it’s not worth worrying yourself to tears, and yet I find myself having to remind myself of it more and more often- a complete mental breakdown would no doubt be bad for my complexion. I thought I’d take some time out to write a little something to keep you guys up on what’s going on nowadays- I’ll have you know Peter and my “not-date” went wonderfully. He’s not changed much at all, other than I have a sneaking suspicion he may be doing drugs. It upsets me to think so- an increasing number of people I know/ know of/ try not to know are falling into the very same trap. I swore to myself I’d never befriend or be close to a person who did that to themselves- and I mean to stand by it. His birthday party in June is going to be a messed-up bunch of his “friends” getting drunk and high and no doubt taking even worse illicit substances… There’s no way in the world I’d subject myself to that kind of environment. I guess I am a prude- I’m judgmental of the type of kids who do that, and I definitely think I can do better- but you must understand, my mother raised me to be terrified of drugs, and I’ve taught myself to resist the temptation. I don’t want to get sucked in and end up- well, end up on a completely different track, spiraling toward nothingness. Not to mention my Mum would probably murder me. :p School is just what you’d expect- the girls are being girly, the sluts are being slutty, and the weather is slowly fading into winter- rain and cold and sickness all round. I’m glad, in a way- a sense of normality is great once in a while, and I particularly enjoy sitting back and people-watching to convince myself I’m not the only one in this world with problems. Nanna started her treatment today. Her lymphoma’s not curable, but treatable, I’ve been told. All signs are good, but that doesn’t stop the nagging feeling of dread that refuses to cease. I’m sure I’m just overreacting and looking for a place to use dramatic vocabulary, but you’ve all been there and will know what I mean. I fit back into my “skinny” jeans…just. But fit into them I do. And so, to Juan- I have indeed been making progress, even thought the weather here is repulsive. Anushka and I went out on the weekend- poor thing’s caught a cold since then. We really felt Andy’s absence and I almost wanted to cry. I miss him. There aren’t a lot of words to describe it any other way. Paige said to me yesterday that every time she sees me I “get prettier”. It was a compliment and a half, as you can see- she’s a naturally nice girl but I really appreciated it. That’s not to say I do get prettier by the day- only that it’s nice to have someone say so. I can’t emphasize how much I miss my Mum. We’re so close nowadays that it feels as though I’ve lost my right arm- I’ve certainly lost my confidante, my objective observer, and my best friend. I really can’t wait to see her next holidays- we get along so well it’s as though I’m just catching up with a mate. To all of those wonderful women out there who call themselves Mums, Happy Mothers Day for Sunday. And for all those who’s Mother’s are indeed one of a kind- tell them you love them, and really let them know the extent of your appreciation- know I will.

April 23, 2007

I went back, and I got closure.

Filed under: Friends, My Life, School, Self Pity — happychick @ 6.38p04

I went back. To the school, I mean. The school I swore I’d never go back to in my life. It was quite a gut wrenching experience. But necessary. Yes, necessary. I’ve now got closure. I’ve now come to the realization that I do not, in any way, shape or form, regret leaving. I went because C insisted. And, being the best best friend I could, I went. I walked the whole way in the stinking mid-day heat (thank god for sunscreen), and it kinda went from bad to worse. Pete was there. He tried to be friendly- or patronizing, I can’t tell which. I was a little uncivil. My mindset was that I wanted him to resent me as much as I resented him for telling all these horrible lies about me, and divulging the details of our intimacy to the world. I wanted him to ignore me the way I was content in ignoring him. But instead, he tried to start a conversation.

The first thing I noticed was his hair. It was long and scruffy- and oily, too. He obviously hadn’t shaved in a while and I felt like I was talking to Tom Hanks in Castaway.

I don’t remember the exact details of the conversation- or I do, but think it quite childish to write about it here. I just remember saying things in a tone I didn’t know I had. I wasn’t sarcastic, I wasn’t rude- I was cold, and that’s worse than either. I can’t think whether I regret speaking to anyone, even him, in such a manner, or if the “down-and-out” feeling I’ve got going on is from eating too much pizza and watching “Australia’s Got Talent”.

I’m glad I went, though. I needed it. It’s the dawn of a new era, and to all those jerks who were unnecessarily obnoxious and rude today- I finally got the answer I was looking for- and I have you all to thank.

C came over last night. We had pizza, and made “lists” (of which famous people we intend to wed and in which order), watched “Australia’s Got Talent”, and simultaneously fell in love with Jonas Armstrong of BBC’s Robin Hood. I have since added him to my list. Near Adam Lazzara.

She’s a really good person. Good, in the sense that, she does what is right. If she’s upset, she’ll tell you, not blame you. She has so many qualities I’m jealous of, and I’m glad that she’s one of the two or three people around here who don’t think I’ve changed for the worse since being away.

I no longer miss what I had here. I no longer yearn for the acceptance I thought I had. I’m moving on to bigger and better things. It’ll be a long steep climb but I’ll get there and I’ll soon forget all about this place, and the people in it who were unable to see past their own noses.

Older Posts »

Blog at WordPress.com.