sundog

March 20, 2008

I am still alive, but barely

Filed under: Family, Friends, My Life, School, Self Pity — happychick @ 6.38p03

I’m shocking, I know, but school’s knocked me on my ass and posting here is below scratching myself on my list of priorities right now…

That said, it’s the Easter long weekend and what better time to take a step back and reflect. I think I’ll do a bit of a recap- “The year so far”

So Happychick’s entered her final, very daunting year of High school. She’s hoping to be accepted into the state’s second most prestigious University next year, provided she passes her end-of-year exams with some sort of success…

Going back to boarding at the beginning of the year killed me. The holidays had been so free, so easygoing (albeit monotonous). It was back to having dinner at 5.30 in the afternoon, back to structured study times and back to sharing a god damn room. I’m the single most self absorbed person in the universe and a total control freak- poor Casey cops a yelling every time something doesn’t go my way.

Being elected onto the Student Council was flattering (and we all know power corrupts) but it just meant more work for me and probably wasn’t the best choice in terms of my school scores and stress-related breakouts.

It’s Week 8 already, I’ve seen two cricket games, had 7 tests, kissed a boy, done a public speech, lost weight, gained weight, had to cope with the news of Nan’s most recent battle with cancer, dealt with the aftermath of my brother’s attempted suicide, bought a house, planned a trip to England, waxed my legs, made my best mate cry, had a school ball, lost (and then found) my phone, had a swimming carnival, fought with my Mum and thought about throwing it all in and becoming a hairdresser a total of 6.9 times.

The biggies here are of course BJ’s diagnosis with depression and his attempted suicide. When he told me what he’d done I was so angry– I was angry at my Mum, for lying to me about it. I was angry at him for following the same self-harming path our late father did. I was so mad at myself for having no reaction other than saying “Wow” about fifty thousand times, and Jesus I was angry at God or whoever it is that controls these things for adding this to my ever-mounting burden pile. I just kept thinking, I’m 16 years old for fuck sake. My Dad’s dead, my Grandmother’s dying, my brother’s trying to top himself, my Mum’s having financial problems, my schoolwork’s getting on top of me, my acne’s getting worse- when does it end? Will it end? Am I just going to explode one day, crawl up into a ball and cry myself into oblivion? The school shrink sure seems to think so.

The best thing about this blog I find is that I can rant and rave about my self-pity for as long as I damn-well like and no one can tell me my selfishness is getting out of hand.

The Ball was amazing, though. It was… fabulous. If I knew how to post photos I would, but I’m so technologically illiterate you’ll just have to imagine. I wore this stunning red strapless dress that (unbeknownst to me) actually made me look 2 months pregnant, but I looked so beautiful I really think I could’ve given Angelina a run for her money. I’m not really one for dressing up, you see. I wear Converse High-tops and jeans, t-shirts with silly slogans and a ponytail most days. The fact that I did look so stunning made me think that there really is hope for me yet- give it five years and a bit of exercise and I’ll have nice skin and enough money to afford good fashion, and the boys wont just think I’m that silly outspoken girl who doesn’t mind if you use your tongue.

I miss being able to do this each arvo. I miss having a life actually- schoolwork is so much harder than I’d anticipated and I’m really not coping. I feel like I’m the only one but the other girls assure me they’re struggling too, but it’s taking everything I’ve got and more to maintain a B-average, which saddens me more because I’d been a solid A throughout last year. I want so badly to get into Uni but if I’m being slaughtered in high school maybe tertiary education isn’t for me.

On a more positive note, I don’t have to go back to school for 10 whole days- and let me assure you, that’s a relief.

Advertisements

January 28, 2008

I’m ashamed to admit it but…

Filed under: Family — happychick @ 6.38p01

… I’m only pretty, smart and popular because I want my Mum to love me more than my brother.

He used to be the smart one, the perfect child, a parent’s wet dream. I was consistently grounded, got into trouble at school and hated the fact that I’d never be perfect.

Now he’s on medication to treat depression, a recluse with no social skills, suffering more than I ever thought he could.

I’m scared that I made him that way through my incessant competition, my bullying remarks and unspoken resentment that he was always the one they loved more.

We’re moving in together. Will he ever forgive me? Will I ever forgive myself?

October 3, 2007

Driving Lesson

Filed under: Family, Home, My Life, Self Pity — happychick @ 6.38p10

For the first time in my life today, I drove a car.

I cried the entire time.

It was 8 in the morning, and there was not another soul on the road. Lucky for them, dare I say it- and sorry to the man down my street whose bin I nearly took out.

It’s embarrassing, thinking about it now. Of course, I couldn’t help the tears. They come naturally, in times of stress, excitement- basically, in any situation where one single emotion threatens to overcome me.

Still, I was crying like a sissy as I drove down Collier Street, blubbering during the three-point-turn, and the tears only ceased to allow me to cry “Oh Shit!” as an impatient driver passed me on the corner.

It was awful, the whole bloody experience. I’d rather catch public transport for the rest of my life than go through it again.

But go through it I will.

And there will be more tears.

Thinking back to your own first driving lessons, have any of you actually humiliated yourselves like that?

August 23, 2007

“Except on Wednesdays, when I get rudely awakened by the dustmen”

Filed under: Family, Happy, My Life, School — happychick @ 6.38p08

So, I’ve finally realized what my Mum meant all those times she said “childhood is the best time of your life”, and “years pass with the blink of an eye”… It’s almost September. Anushka will be 16 in 23 days, and I’m not so far behind. I’ve applied for a couple of leadership positions at school for next year- I won’t talk too much about it in case I a) jinx it, or b) am unsuccessful and have wasted breath on the subject. School’s going well- in essence, it never really changes, which is why I appear so repetitive on the subject. I’m worried about my brother, though. He’s been going through all sorts of things lately, not the least of which being an uncertainty of his sexuality- Mum even appears to think he had some kind of Autism as a kid. We’re not like other siblings, BJ and I. We don’t fight, but we certainly don’t get along. We really are from different planets. That said, we are siblings. Deep down, somewhere, I care about him and what happens in his life. He reminds me a lot of my Dad, actually. Not that I remember him all that well. Dad was very similar- introverted, moody, but with good intentions underneath the façade. I just hope BJ doesn’t end up the way Dad was toward the end of his life. I don’t want my brother to struggle with inner demons for the rest of his life. We’re studying Macbeth in Literature at the moment. To be honest, I’ve never hated anything more than I hate this- not since that drawn-out episode with Bilson, anyway. At the risk of being struck down by God, Shakespeare really wasn’t all he’s cracked up to be- talented, yes. Eccentric, definitely. But not the literary genius that he’s renowned as. I’d rather read Bryce Courtenay any day. I’m to see GG on Monday. She’s a tough old duck, I’ll give her that- she’d have to be, I suppose, to have given birth to my Dad and endure all the horrors that family had the misfortune of being dealt. I don’t think I’d mind all that much if I end up a little like her- having a beard, however, might be more than I could take. I’m wondering if crossing your legs really does give you varicose veins. I’ve been finding myself crossing and uncrossing and then wondering if all this movement is, in turn, giving me varicose veins. Oh, the irony. How do they come about anyway? My step dad thinks I need a man. A few of my guy-friends seem to think so too. It’s times like these I feel like a 70-year-old stuck in a 15-year-olds body. I’d rather curl up and watch Robin than hook in with every boy who deems it necessary. Paul might have a point though- it’s been a while, and I’m wondering if I’ve lost my game. And that’s the update. They always say it’s the little things that make a person interesting, but reading back through this post, I’m inclined to beg to differ. P.S. I was thinking today about how much of our charity money actually gets to the poor people in Africa/Indonesia/Detroit. I enjoy the “sense of enormous wellbeing” I get from giving, but it saddens me to think of those who still aren’t getting.

July 25, 2007

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

Filed under: Family, My Life, School — happychick @ 6.38p07

Harry Potter 7 was fantastic. I read and read until my eyes went numb; determined to complete it before returning to boarding. My opinion aside, many have commented on the book critically, saying that it’s boring, or confusing, and less-intense than it’s predecessors. For me, however, it wasn’t only the book that made the whole affair so exciting. It was the lead-up. I could hardly sleep the night before, and I’m only a tiny bit ashamed to admit that I had my own private hourly count-down going on. It was the anticipation that made it worthwhile. It was the lead-up to it and the ultimate realization that there will be NO MORE HARRY.

JK Rowling is more than a talented storyteller- she’s a very economically smart woman. She knew as well as you or I did that she could have written anything- anything at all, and it would’ve sold hundreds of millions of copies. I can bet she won’t be all that disturbed at a few unimpressed teenagers- no, indeed, as we say it in Aus, “She’ll be laughing all the way to the bank”.

I’ve always wanted to be an author, from the very moment I could read. And the Harry Potter books gave me hope and reassured me that there are people out there who still do read- kids who can spare an hour or two away from the TV or the computer. And from the very moment I opened “The Philosophers Stone”, I knew that this was what I would aspire to.

In other news, I got an 89% on my Math test, I’ve not shed a single homesick tear since I’ve been back, and I’m going to go and see my Dad on Saturday, as this past one was the 7th anniversary of his Deathday. Mum’s unaware- she doesn’t like the idea of my going alone to the cemetery; “There are too many weirdo’s who hang out in that sort of place”- understandably, of course, but I’ll do it all the same.

But Human Bio calls, and I will return with another post relatively soon- that is assuming that there are those of you out there still interested.

April 22, 2007

My family are alcoholics.

Filed under: Family, Home, My Life — happychick @ 6.38p04

I woke up at midnight last night to the sound of my mobile ringing. It was Cameron. RANDOM. I hardly spoke to him while I lived here, and, upon seeing him at the zoo that time, gave him my number and thought nothing more of it. We had a really good chat. He’s not what you’d call the most intellectual of guys, but he’s nice and he’ genuinely interested in what you have to say. When I got off the phone I heard voices. I was a little alarmed, as, as far as I knew it was on me and BJ at home. I then realized Step dad was home from work and had invited round a couple of mates. Simmo and Z are some of my favorites, in terms of who Mum/Step Dad work with, but it struck me as a little odd that he had two female companions at such an hour. I know I’m reading too much into it and I’m certain nothing happened, but, as Hedda Gabler would say, “One doesn’t do that kind of thing!”.
The randomness continued at 5.30am. I heard more voices- different voices. Mum had arrived home with a number of her friends and they were getting hammered… at half past 5 in the morning.
I yelled a little and they quieted down, but, as tends to happen with thoroughly drunk people, the noise didn’t cease. Alas, at 7 am I could no longer stand it, having a shower, and going outside to state that “If you had been any noisier someone may have called to cops” (pun intended).
Now, the five intoxicated idiots, two of whom I did not know, have migrated, fully clothed, into our spa. Naturally, I joined them. At 9am, Mum realized she’d have to be at work in 6 hours and went off to bed. The three that were left (Jack’s hubby had gone home) stayed on for another hour. I had to have another shower, and then spend another hour and a half when they were gone cleaning up beer cans and bottles, and really, really soggy chips.
That’s my story. Mum got up a couple of hours ago, feeling sorry for herself. I laughed in her face, told her it was all her fault, and sent her on her way.
I really do feel like the parent around here sometimes.

March 8, 2007

Mother

Filed under: Family, Happy, Home, My Life — happychick @ 6.38p03

It’s not about the pathetic arguments we had during my “rebellious stage”. It’ll never be how many times she’s hit me, or how many names I’ve called her. The fact that I’m only now coming to realize how lost I’d be without her is a regret I’ll have forever.

In moving to boarding school it’s really hit home how close we’ve become over the past year or so. How much I’ve come to depend upon her, how, little by little I’ve become an “adult” in her eyes.

It’s about the bond we share, and how that bond grows stronger every day. It’s about me being able to talk to her about anything- my sex life, her sex life, gossiping and bitching about family and friends…

I can now look at her and say “I trust you. I believe you.” I value her opinion higher than anyone else’s. Her word is law, though I’m just becoming aware that she too is human- she too needs a shoulder to cry on.

I talk to my peers now, and I say with confidence “My Mum is my best friend”.

Slowly but surely we’ve come to a mutual awareness of our need for each other.

I know now that I can be secure in any decision I make. I can say what I feel and not regret it. I can get through anything, because, in the end- she’ll be there for me.

To hug me. To comfort me. To tell me that I’m right, or at least that she respects my decision. In the end, it’s about the love. And that’s all that either one of us will ever need.

March 2, 2007

“And will you tell all your friends you’ve got your gun to my head” Taking Back Sunday

Filed under: Family, Home, My Life — happychick @ 6.38p03

(Note: Nothing in this post is remotely to do with Taking Back Sunday)

I’ve just found the SWEETest invention- SQUEEZABLE VEGEMITE!
We’ve had this conversation before- scarcely anyone outside Australia even knows what vegemite is.
Just to recap- as unsatisfying as it may sound, it’s a yeast extract that you spread on sandwiches/toast- much like peanut butter.
But seriously, squeezable. In a tube, like black toothpaste- genius! BUYING SOME!!!
That’s all for now, going shopping with Mum as soon as she’s recovered from last night’s hangover.
Though, I have to make an important decision- Pants or Shorts today??
It looks pretty cool outside, although the only pants I bought are my fave (yet surprisingly scungy) jeans…
Ah, the trials of teenage life. xx

January 21, 2007

Mooshy eggs and tattoo woes.

Filed under: Family, Friends, Home, My Life — happychick @ 6.38p01

– I tried to make myself an egg, “sunny side up” the other day. It ended up exploding, mooshing together and even had a bit of the pan on it when all was said and done. I’ve decided that, before I move out, I will be buying multiple “how to” books on the basic household chores like cooking and cleaning- hoping and praying that they make those.

– Ever since forever I have wanted tattoos. 3 or 4, simple and meaningful. Lately, talk has turned to tattoos and I find myself craving them. Mum’s a bit of a nazi when it comes to these things though- thankfully, this time in 3 years, I’ll be able to make my own decisions on such important matters.

– I blew off going to the beach today- the girl I was supposed to be going with has been irritating me lately, and I can think of nothing worse than spending an afternoon in her company.

– I’ll be in the city this time next week. It’s funny; boarding school seemed much more appealing 6 weeks ago- but now? Well it’s far too close for comfort and I feel a headache coming on.

– I’ve never been any good at Math. In fact, I’ve never been any good at flying kites or making paper planes, either. But last term in Math I did better than I’ve ever done. Probably b/c I tried harder than I’ve ever tried, but that’s just in the details.

– It was 38 degrees inside when I got home from work today- how was I supposed to know the air-con had two modes, and that I’d set it to the wrong one??

And alas, my involuntary crush on said boy is becoming even more complicated- turns out the boy may have cancer- again.

❤ Chick

January 10, 2007

Reactions to life’s difficulties and shit.

Filed under: Family, Friends, Happy, My Life — happychick @ 6.38p01

One of the worst things in the world must be losing someone you love. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not one of those pompous, assuming pricks that don’t have a damn clue what they’re talking about.

As I’ve mentioned more than a few times before, my Daddy died when I was 9. 6 years have passed and the pain has all but faded. I’m not about to launch into a rant on how hard I’ve had it or how painful it all was- I’ve done that a few times before, too. No, what I really want to focus on is how people deal with things differently.

Mum (cynical female that she is), says that many people have bad things happen to them, but only some adopt a “victim mentality” (her words, not mine) and begin to believe that everything works against them.

And thinking about it now, I kinda agree. I mean, I know people my age who have worked themselves into such a self-destructive rut that I’d be surprised if they got their lives on track at all in the next ten years.

I’m pretty much speaking of one mate in particular.

He had a hard childhood. He really did and I’m not one to dispute that. His parents sucked at the most important job there is, he got lost in a world of hate and contempt for the world, and even now- especially now- he can’t seem to find a way to sort his life out. Not through lack of trying. He even moved across the state in a bid to find closure and a new start. But still “he has it bad” and he can’t stand to leave anything to chance. I worry for him greatly and I think it’s contributing to the pimple forming on my upper lip.

On the other hand, I’ve another mate in a similar situation. But he never kicked the bucket and grew disdainful and cold. In fact, he picked up a great job, and has a real plan for the future which I personally would love to see come into effect. I am so proud, and in fact, astonished at the way he has handled himself and I love to think that I have friends who can do that.

Now, I started the post with a little speal about losing a loved one. I fell into a dark hole of depression (oh God that was cliché) for a couple of years, and pretty much turned into on of those people I now find pathetic. It took a lot of help from my Mum and a few close mates to get me back on track, and if I hadn’t had those people there (yes Anushka, this means you), I probably would be a drug-addict, alcoholic, and… well, I’d be acting like a 15 year old hussy.

So if I’ve gone around in circles and contradicted myself- so sue me, you should expect that by now.

Older Posts »

Blog at WordPress.com.