sundog

November 18, 2007

The future and my fear of it.

Filed under: My Life, Self Pity — happychick @ 6.38p11

In Australia we have this thing called National Young Leaders Day. This year, one of the things that stuck in my mind was this; “Those who are crazy enough to think they can change the world are the ones that do” .I want to change the world. I want to leave a mark so that in 10, 20, 50 years after my death, people are saying my name, preaching my cause, acknowledging me in a way that is both positive and productive. I watch movies like “Invincible”, “Remember The Titans” and “Pay It Forward” and I want someone to make a movie of my life one day.Like Jim Carey puts it on Bruce Almighty- “I’m not okay with a mediocre life”. I don’t want to be average. I don’t want to be “normal”. I want to be

exceptional. I want to be great. I want people to stand up and say “That girl is amazing”. Like all things, though, being great has it’s pitfalls. There’s the judgment that comes from people thinking you think you “know it all”. There’s the responsibility that comes with knowing people are scrutinizing and/or imitating your every action.

As romantic and fabulous it all sounds in my head, I find myself wondering as I write this down (while talking to my Oh-so-wow-change-the-world-just-by-looking-at-it twin Shona), if it’s at all possible.

I mean, who am I, really? I’m just an Aussie girl from a town no-ones heard of, and those that have make jokes about it (myself included). I have cellulite and oily skin, so I’ll never be a model, I haven’t any “contacts” in the business of… well, anything, unless you count the State Police. Which I don’t.My biggest fear is having regrets. About anything. I don’t want to be a failure, I don’t want to turn out haughty and morally corrupt, I don’t want to become an addict/dealer/abused wife… I’m so scared of making the wrong decisions that I might cease making them at all.On top of that deep-rooted fear of bottoming out is the fact that I have no idea where to start.

November 14, 2007

Maybe you’ll understand one day. I sure hope so.

Filed under: My Life — happychick @ 6.38p11

I’m your standard teenage girl.

The one who dyes her hair constantly in an effort to develop her own style. Who wears Converse and Billabong- who get pimples and cry when they kick their toe.

I worry about the size of my thighs/belly/bum , I get sweat patches and I wear jeans a size too small. I try too hard to get boys to like me. The ones I love never love me back, and the ones that love me never seem good enough.

I bitch about my closest friends, I compete with other girls for the highest marks in the class. I talk shit about my Mum because I don’t want to be the only one of my mates who gets along with their folks. I still sleep with a teddy bear at 16 years of age. I get nervous about driving/pashing boys/trying on swimwear. I wear makeup and I dress to impress those around me. I contradict myself and force my (often biased) opinions on others. I stress about exams and consider quitting school and life on a daily basis.

But I still find time to worry about global warming. I cry when I watch Oprah and get the urge to do something about the injustices in the world. I talk to the new kids. I stick up for my teachers. I make an attempt to see things from every angle and understand other’s points of view. I’m considering holding onto my virginity- for another year or so, at least. I message my Mum when she’s sick and worry myself silly every minute she’s at work. I feel awful for breaking up with my ex. I feel guilty about never mending those friendships that were torn apart by petty comments and lame arguments. I wake up every morning to a mirror that says “Be fantastic and never settle for anything but your best”. I smile when I hear the early-morning birds and I sympathize with pram-pushing mothers whose life choices weren’t thought out very well.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that we’re not all bad. Us teenage girls with our short skirts and promiscuity, our lack of morals and air-headed opinions, a lifestyle epitomized by Paris and Britney. We do have a deeper train of thought, believe it or not. Between fad diets and half-assed assignments, we want to change the world. We want the boyfriend who’ll light candles and just want to hold hands. We want the parents who will understand that we have NO IDEA about what we want to do after next year’s over. I feel cheated sometimes, being the girl I am in the context I live within. I feel belittled. I often wonder if anyone takes me seriously at all. Just like all lawyers’ aren’t crooked and all airline hostesses aren’t skinny; teens too aren’t one-dimensional.

It’s not another rant on how we’re judged by society, how I deserve to be treated like an adult and have the same opportunities as any man- it’s about giving hope to other teens who don’t fit the mould society has crammed us into quite nicely. It’s about being the multi-faceted character of a major motion picture who makes mistakes and stuffs up alarmingly often, but in the end is loved by the audience and other characters alike.

Blog at WordPress.com.