sundog

September 30, 2007

Lights and Sounds

Filed under: Happy, Home, My Life — happychick @ 6.38p09

Life makes fools out of us all. While we rush around, trying to get ahead, trying to achieve success and make something out of ourselves, trying to… well, I believe the saying is “live life to the fullest”. The irony is, however, that no matter what choices we make and what paths we take, life goes on around us regardless. When we mourn those who have gone, the whole world goes on without them. When we make a bad decision the sun still shines. Life is a trap- we’re led to believe that each one of us is the most important person in our lives, but there is so much more out there. It’s reassuring, in a way. I am but one person in a world of billions. I am one girl. Whether or not I wake up tomorrow matters to very few, in the grand scheme of things. It makes me feel small, sure- but I know that whatever mistakes I make from here on in are insignificant in the long run.

Tomorrow I’ll wake up 16 years old. That’s legal over here- legal to attain a license, legal to have sex… Not that I’ll be jumping into bed with anyone anytime soon. I don’t suppose it’ll be all that different. “Same shit different year”, as my mother would say. But it gives you extra credit, all the same. The older you are, the more respect people give you (providing you deserve it in the first place). These are supposed to be the most exciting years of my life. And they are, but not in the way I was expecting as a kid- I’d always wished and wished to be 16. They were so independent. They were free. They got to go out and go drinking and partying with boys… being 16 meant having the world at your feet. You were no longer controlled by your paretns- and school? Pfft! I could get along just fine without school. 16 meant adventures. It meant fun and danger and boy- particularly boys. Golly. Was I naïve, or was I naïve?

Fuck I love this room. Granted, it’s a bit messy atm, but if I could be anywhere in the world right now, it would be here, in this room. It’s probably the second-best bedroom I’ve ever had- and that’s saying something. I’ve had about 7. It’s a relatively big room. It’s always warm. There are perhaps one too many Orlando Bloom posters covering the walls, and the view from the window is of the neighbor’s bathroom, but it’s lovely all the same. There are a lot of fairies on the chest of drawers, on the walls, on the shelves… and books. LOADS of books. From here I can see the Harry Potter set, a couple of chick-lit dramas (ok, a LOT of chick-lit dramas), Macbeth, The Handmaids Tale, Anne of Green Gables… Yes, I couldn’t live without my books.

I haven’t got s lot else to say. I should be going to bed. It’s my birthday tomorrow, after all. Until then, I leave you. J x x

September 21, 2007

Sex on the TV- Everybody’s had it

Filed under: My Life — happychick @ 6.38p09

There was a time when I had it all. I was good looking- naturally thin, tanned, on medication that more than eradicated any hint of acne. I was popular- I had a nice boyfriend, a number of close friends, and even those who weren’t my mates wanted to be. Boys found me pretty and approachable, and girls found me not intimidating, but elegant. I was clever- I’d do nothing in class and yet still come across “smart”- I was, in another’s words, “the best student in the school”. I had a fun job, which I enjoyed, and thus, money at my disposal. I had a great relationship with my family and a natural calm and ease in going about things- I thought I was perfect. How things change in 12 short months. I still “have it all”- but in a decidedly different way. Not so good looking, for a start. My “fun” job made me chubby- and everyone knows that when a person gains weight, the hardest thing in the world is to lose it again. Not so tanned anymore, either- moving across the countryside means that the once-sunny town became the cold and ultimately dreary city. The medication stopped and the acne returned- to a lesser extent, mind you. I now spend hundreds on skin care and still more on make-up- my biggest problem is the oil and that’s a hard thing to control. Boys still find me good looking- fewer boys, usually young men in their suped-up cars, which is less flattering than teenagers my own age paying compliments. The fact that I’m still relatively popular among my peers is now only through hard work and a tiny bit of sucking-up, and I’m the last person I’d choose to signify “elegant”… I am, however, clever. I have to work day and night for this to be so, but I’m up there with the best. They say no one can get anywhere without hard work- I sure as hell better be getting somewhere pretty bloody special for the effort I’m putting in. The odd thing about it all- the thing that makes it almost seem worthwhile, is that I like it better this way- I like having to work out every day after school to lose all those cheeseburgers and hash browns. I enjoy 4 after-school study hours a day. I know I’m working towards something. I know I’m achieving and it’s not my high cheekbones or ability to charm that’s making it happen- it’s me. Holidays are coming up very very quickly- something I’m unspeakably relieved about. It’ll be my 16th birthday in 10 days, and I’ll be celebrating it with the most amazing person I know- my Mum. I had a record number of “it’s a small world” moments today- two, to be exact. The first was at our brother school. I’d been staring like a goon at the boy across from me, and, unable to help myself, proclaimed “It’s crazy but I know you”- he told me where he’s from, and it turns out we were in the same class back in 1998. He still doesn’t have a clue who I am- but 9 years later I could still pick Matt’s face. The second occurred this evening at Bree’s house. When I mentioned what school I attended her Mum asked is I knew Brooke V- I said of course, she’s in my RE class. Nush and I are going out for dinner tomorrow night. It’ll be the first of many A and A Birthdays, if I have any say in it. If I could, every birthday would be spent with my bestie. Sorry it’s been so long since I wrote- I really hope this entertains you long enough to leave a comment.

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