sundog

March 16, 2007

My Repent

Filed under: My Life — happychick @ 6.38p03

For all those times I lied to my friends, to stop myself copping the blame- I’m sorry.

For all the hurt I’ve ever caused my family, physical, and especially emotional- I’m sorry.

To those girls who’ve been unlucky enough to face my wrath- I’m sorry.

To the boy I spent my early teens despising, only to realize how bitter and twisted I’d become- I’m sorry.

For all those times I’ve been intentionally cruel or spiteful just to prove a point- or worse, just to prove I was “cool”- I am so sorry.

To my friends and all the times I’ve let them down- you know I’m sorry.

My apologies to my teachers, who were always there, more often than not during my dummy spits and tantrums.

My thanks to my Grandparents and extended family- I groan and moan, and will continue to do so- but will always know you’re there.

And to myself, for now and forever, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for all the times I’ve never believed I could. For all those things I’ve known I should’ve done and never did, and for all the negative thoughts and emotions I inflicted upon my own subconscious.

I believe in you. I believe what you say and do. I will respect you and your rights. I will love you, when no-one else will. I will be there.

I’ve noticed myself becoming very bitter and cynical lately. I’ve been nasty and cruel, sadistic and controlling, to the point where I think I’m making enemies faster than I’m getting breakouts (which, let me assure you, is quite often). I’ve found myself cutting other girls off in the middle of their sentences. Telling people they’re annoying or pathetic- even worse, immature. If anyone dare call me immature I would chuck a spasm- much like an epileptic fish. And yet I say it increasingly frequently.

It’s not my only act of hypocrisy over the past two weeks or so.

I’ve been putting men, as a gender, down at every turn- becoming cynical and depressed when the subject comes around. It sounds impractical, but I don’t want to become a girl who sees a boy and starts to act like a prat- flirty and hair-flicky and the like. I don’t want this because it’s pathetic, right? Or perhaps I’m scared- jealous of the other girls and therefore distancing myself from anything to do with boys- if that makes sense. What I’m saying is, I’m being horrible. I’m putting down everyone I see, particularly boys, and the other girls hate me for it.

I’m not asking for your pity- I’m not asking for anything at all. I‘m just becoming a little more self-aware than before, and it’s a tiny bit terrifying, if I’m to admit it.

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5 Comments »

  1. we all get like that sometimes.. trust me im the worst for it.
    i say the wrong things at the wrong time to the wrong people.. and sometimes well more often then not people take what i say the wrong way.
    trust me i know what you mean..
    looking, looking, looking.. nope got nothing deep and meaningful to say other then its not bad, im sure people understand.
    much love Courtney xoxox

    Comment by voguevictim — March 18, 2007 @ 6.38p03

  2. Confession is good for the soul. 😀

    Comment by Sandra — March 19, 2007 @ 6.38p03

  3. wish i was there to comfort you.

    Comment by andy — March 19, 2007 @ 6.38p03

  4. A lot of people go their whole lives without realising they need to apologise for their behaviour. Self awareness might be painful but it’s worth going through.

    Comment by Mr Angry — March 21, 2007 @ 6.38p03

  5. You became sorry? I’m not sure if I can forgive you, especially since I don’t know you.

    Comment by Anonymous — February 26, 2011 @ 6.38p02


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