sundog

October 24, 2006

What she feels….

Filed under: My Life — happychick @ 6.38p10

It was all getting a bit much. Her ability to be able to cope was tested time and time again, a new challenge all the time, never letting up.
The one named Pete thought her to be unfaithful. He did not know that she was devastated. He did not know of the pan she felt every time she heard his name. He was still “boyfriend”, when she talked about him to her friends, which was all the time. She still wore the wristband he had given her. She thought about him in every class, whenever the loneliness threatened to engulf her. It was the image of him that kept the tears from falling freely. He did not know that. He may never.
Her tears fall harder now, as she thinks of her bestie. The girl is furious at her. She knows why. She is the reason why. And she can’t help but think of how it would’ve been had she never moved back- things would’ve been peaceful- seas undisturbed, so to speak. Her blog has caused so much pain, yet she could never imagine a life without it.
School was hard today. She had been given a Science test and failed miserably. She knew that the same would happen on Thursday, when her Math teacher delivered a similar hell on paper.
The nights were the worst. She sat alone, hugging the bear that so much reminded her of her late father. She cried. And cried. She wished countless times that she could just be home. That she could lay in her own bed, on her own pillow, in the town she loved to hate. She hoped against hope that she would survive the next 7 weeks, though she thought it unlikely. Today, she even made an appointment with the school Chaplain- wanting someone, anyone, to come to her rescue.
It had been just over a week. Only a week, she thought miserably. What she wouldn’t give to see her Mum again.
Everything is falling apart for her. She has no-one to turn to. No-one. It’s times like these when she understands why some people take their own lives. She could never do it herself, of course- but she now knows what it’s like to have nowhere to turn.
She recalls the last time she felt such despair. After that night, and the days of mourning following it, she had promised herself to never be put in a situation like that again- by God, by anyone. A situation she could not handle.
Most of it she could bare. The homework, the tears, the nights of homesickness. She could even endure the lack of faith in her by the one she loved- at least for a little while. But the isolation. The pure loneliness of it all. The isolation would be her downfall. She would break, sooner or later. It was nature’s way.

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4 Comments »

  1. why isolation would be her downfall? there’s no reason happy chick feels like that. cheerrrrr please

    Comment by hellboy — October 24, 2006 @ 6.38p10

  2. You’ve always got us matey 😀 A blog is a wonderful therapy tool, I know it works for me!

    Comment by Mr Angry — October 25, 2006 @ 6.38p10

  3. Helloboy, my illusive friend- she fears the isolation. She fears becoming trapped in her own mind- thinking destructive thoughts and pushing others away. That’s not to say it will happen. But she is terrified it could.
    Therapy indeed, Mr Angry. Ah! And I am getting my “not emo” haircut tomorrow! 🙂

    Comment by happychick — October 25, 2006 @ 6.38p10

  4. Ok Chica, I have found this to be true…..You can’t control the first thought, but you can control the ones that follow. So for every negative thought – replace it with a positive one.

    And remember that these time build character.

    That which does not kill us makes us stronger.

    Comment by Sandra — November 2, 2006 @ 6.38p11


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