sundog

September 19, 2006

You have got to be kidding me

Filed under: Angry, Friends, My Life, School, Self Pity — happychick @ 6.38p09

To be quite honest, I’ve never really been pressured into anything- not over the past few years, at least. I’ve never really felt helpless. Never felt rushed into making a decision. Today I felt that. In the worst way. And it wasn’t as though I could just ignore, and not go along. It wasn’t as though I had a choice. It’s one thing to feel pressured by your peers. By your friends. By your boyfriend, or by your teachers. It’s quite another to feel forced by your own mother.

 

This morning my Mum dropped (pardon the uber-lame cliché), a “bomb-shell”. She and my Step Dad had “discussed” (aka decided) the possibility of me going home. Going to live with
Nan. Going back to my old school, in an effort to pick up my grades.

 

At first, I was terrified. And when my mates found out, I felt like the most awful person in the world. My mates were in tears, and it was my fault. And Pete? God, the poor guy. He’s trying so hard not to… It breaks my heart to see him trying to be the man.

 

When I first moved here, the locals said “It’ll grow on you”… And it did. I can look around now at things I’d seen every day for ten months, and I’m missing them already- the air is so fresh here- fresher than you’ll get anywhere else in the world. And sure, the town sucks majorly, but the people are the bomb. And I’ve made so many lifelong friends- how can I just be expected to pack up and leave?

 

To make matters worse… So, so much worse… I’m going back to a school where hating me is a sport in itself. My mates here find it hard to believe- but people can change- and I have, so, so much. But the people back home don’t know that. To them, I’m still the nasty, manipulative, bitchy girl I used to be. And I’m terrified. I’m so scared that I’ll have to go through that pain and hurt again- I don’t think the new me will be able to handle it.

 

It’s such short notice- less than 3 weeks away. 3 weeks! I’ve never felt like I was in too deep before- Happychick could once handle everything. But these people- these kids, they are the devils’ outcasts… And going back into their hell scares me to death.

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4 Comments »

  1. it sounds like you are growing up.
    being bale to be who are is often very difficult. ask sandra beth. i hope you are able to respond to the comment i made on your sept 15th post. keeping your grades up is a way to understand within yourself you are prepared for college and the workforce. work is something you will do for the next 40-50 years. being bale to keep your grades up demonstrates that you are capable to be employed. good luck. i will be excited to see how you move through the next few weeks of your life. keeping being honest with yourself. it seems to be working for you.
    jb

    Comment by 1steak — September 21, 2006 @ 6.38p09

  2. August 18th – my post “I always know God won’t give me more than I can handle, but there are times when I wish He didn’t trust me quite so much.”

    You can be the person you are proud of, you can make the grades, you can accomplish anything you want to…..if you are willing to pay the price. What are you willing to give up to succeed? What is this period of time in relation to the rest of your life?

    What helps me when I am fearful is living in the moment. Don’t project what “might happen”. Are you ok, right this moment, where you are. You don’t have to handle everything today, handle it as it comes. You won’t be given more than you can bare. Anyhow, that’s what the big boys say, like my friend John Patrick up there.

    You’ll do GREAT!

    Comment by Sandra — September 21, 2006 @ 6.38p09

  3. Woah, this is pretty tough. Here’s a couple if little bits of advice: be honest with people “back home” and if they can’t accept it, that’s their problem, not yours. If you really were such a bitch, if you hurt someone, come out and tell them you know what you were like and apologise. If they accept it, they’re lucky enough to mee the “new” you. If not, they miss out.

    And although it seems really hard to believe at your age (school sucked for me, I thought I was trapped in a never-ending hell) a coupe of years is a remarkably short time. If this school really sucks you’ll soon be out of there. Stick to your new found integrity – if you’re true to yourself you’ll come through. Maybe with a few scars but you’ll make it.

    Comment by Mr Angry — September 25, 2006 @ 6.38p09

  4. Wow, that’s unbelievable.

    Comment by Anonymous — May 19, 2014 @ 6.38p05


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