sundog

July 28, 2006

I’m Okay- I promise

Filed under: Friends, Happy, Home, My Life, School, Self Pity — happychick @ 6.38p07

So you all saw me in that horrible state of self-despair last night. It was ugly, to say the least. Now, I can’t remember the last time I was like that. It would have been last year, before we moved. See, i have this thing, that I like to call The Spiral Theory. The way it works is, basically, good things happen to me. Eg, I get a boyfriend, he rocks, and I make some new friends, and I figure out how great my job is, and then BAM! Pete and I aren’t getting along so well, we’re getting sick of each other, we’re getting bored being together. My friends, though great, are abandoning me, and my job is just getting lame. And there’s a lot of psychological baggage going on too. I’m feeling worthless, I’m feeling fake, I’m generally just not who I was, and hating who I’ve become. And hence, I’m at the top of the spiral, and with all this bullshit going on, I come rapidly spiralling ot of control. Well that’s it, basically.

So I had a good long text convo with Jayden last night (Damn that bot and his wisdom waaay beyond his years). He kinda put it all in perspective, and generally acted as a leaning post. Then he told Pete, to save me the trouble.

So things are okay today- I had the day off school, due to “illness”- though Mum, as always, knew better. She says boarding school is on the agenda for the next couple of years, whether I go all week, every week, or just board for the five days, and stay with Nan on weekends. But then she sees my face, and how much I’m literally dying inside, and offers to send me next term.

But if I hate it, I can’t change my mind. And I can’t fail, not with all the money that my folks’ll be forking out. But I need to go, and my friends, mainly Pete, don’t like that idea.

I’m not depressed, guys. I just have days when I get a little overwhelmed. I hate not being in control of every aspect of my life. And I hate even more how I never will be. xx chick.

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2 Comments »

  1. I hear you on the overwhelmed. I usually bring it on myself though, since I am a work queer (the bastards words).

    Comment by Sandra — July 29, 2006 @ 6.38p07

  2. Ash i know it wont mean as much over the internet but:
    *big big hug*
    it’ll work out fine in the end.

    Comment by wallywally — July 29, 2006 @ 6.38p07


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