sundog

July 27, 2006

I just don’t know.

Filed under: My Life, Self Pity — happychick @ 6.38p07

I need to get out of here. I don’t know who I am anymore. I don’t know what I want. I don’t know what I need. I have never felt so helpless in my life. I’m looking aroung, and I don’t know this place. I don’t know this house, I don’t know that girl in the mirror. I, I no longer feel any sort of remorse. i try to tell myself that what I do, and the decisions I make in the next few years will determine where i go in life, but as much as I beleive that, i won’t listen. I feel so tired, all the time. I feel like, no matter how much I smile, I’m not happy. I don’t feel good enough. For anyone. I’m not the girl i used to be. The old me never wore makeup. She never strutted aroung, worrying how her hair looked. She had no cares. She didn’t want to be popular. She never got bored. She rarely got angry. And she was never, never depressed. She knew who she was. She knew where she was going. She was everything she had eve dreamed of being. And that’s lost now. It’s gone. This town has sucked the lifeout of me. It has made me listless, it has stripped me of my ambition. I have never felt at home since I have been here. I have never belonged. And it’s killing me. I don’t have a purpose. i don’t even have a meaning. I’m sitting here, writing this into my blog. Why? I go to school every day but I don’t take in a word. I can’t sleep. I’m tired all the time. I just, I don’t know how much longer I can do it.

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5 Comments »

  1. OMG thats was the lamest post ever. And it doesn’t even make sense. I probably should have edited it before I posted it, but that’s the real me, the raw me, right there. And it’s scaring me, because it’s all true.

    Comment by happychick — July 27, 2006 @ 6.38p07

  2. times that feeling by three years nut minus two great friends and thats how i feel ;-). Some days are worse than others the ebst thing to do is make the most out of what you have there and thats actuala dvice not just what people say but dont mean MAKE THE MOST OF WHAT YOU HAVE UP THERE (and nothing dirty).

    Comment by wallywally — July 27, 2006 @ 6.38p07

  3. Why don’t you talk to your school counselor honey? What you have discribed is depression. The inability to sleep, think etc are typical symptoms. Talking with a professional and perhaps medication may be what you need. Hang in there – love you girl.

    Comment by Sandra — July 27, 2006 @ 6.38p07

  4. Aww, what happened to our happychick? Everything will be okay eventually hun, I promise you that. I went through exactly what you are describing a couple years back, and it was incredibly unfun. But it doesn’t have to be that way. I know this is going to sound very silly, but maybe you need to learn to love you more? You know what I’m talking about…..that wonderful website! I can say in all honesty that it really does help. But maybe in your sitch you need to take Sandra’s advice and go and talk to a counsellor. Even just talking about these things to someone will help, so you’re not keeping it all inside. And even though we’re so far away from each other, and have never met in person or anything, you have my msn, and you can talk to me anytime. It’ll all be aight chachi, I promise. Just hang in there. One thing you should try to do is find even just one thing that puts a giddy smile on your face, the kind of smile where you don’t even realize you’re smiling. And if you stick with that one thing, everything should fall into place eventually. We all love you, I’m sure you got a lotta people that do.

    With crazy twin love,
    Shona 🙂

    Comment by Shona — July 27, 2006 @ 6.38p07

  5. did you have a crash course in brain surgery?

    Comment by Hell Boy — July 28, 2006 @ 6.38p07


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