sundog

May 13, 2006

The real happychick- pain and all

Filed under: My Life — happychick @ 6.38p05

My Dad died when I was 9 years old. While it was six years ago now, I feel the pain as fresh and as real as if it was yesterday. There are no words to describe what I felt. The despair, the true feeling of loss. The anniversary is coming up again soon, the same day as Pete's birthday. This year, though, I will not see his grave. I will not see the plaque which is the lasting reminder of who he was. Now that we have moved, we cannot simply drive to the cemetary; we cannot simply go to pay our respects.

Raw emotion is not something I feel very often anymore. I no longer let things affect me, in fear that, should I let down my guard, sorrow and pain will cut into me once more. I lost a large part of my childhood- a large part of myself- that day. And I will never forget it, that day at the hospital. I did not know he was sick- I had no clue that his death loomed. He simply sat me down on the end of his bed, tubes protruding out of every concievable oriface, and said "I am going to die". I was so young. I did not understand much, but these words, at that moment, they imprinted themselves into my memory, so that I could never forget. He assured us he'd be there to see Christmas, he said be there to celebrate my double-digit birthday. I went home that night, while my Mum and my Aunt stayed behind to spend the night. I went home, confident that I'd see him again tomorrow.

When I woke up the next morning, my Aunt was in the spare room, sobbing quietly into her pillow. The truth dawned, like a slap in the face, a douse of icy water to such a young child. But, in the light of things, I was surprisingly calm. "It's Okay", I remember saying, holding her close. We sat there, me comforting, her sobbing, me quiet, composed and never truly grieving, just for a while, and, though it sounds cliche, I time stood still. My heart literally felt as though it was tearing open, I felt as though I were about to die.

I have never been one for self pity. But, to this day I hold a grudge, toward God, toward death, toward life in general. It was not fair. I was so young, and it was not fair. I never understood- I will never understand. Till the day that I die, I will not know. Those type of cuts never heal.

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13 Comments »

  1. To this date, there has been nothing worse for me than losing my beloved Dad. He was…is my hero. Your feelings of anger are normal. Write your Daddy a letter. Tell him how you feel…how you miss him….what you would say to him right now if he were there with you. Maybe share it with a person you love and trust. Then burn it…let the smoke take the message to his eternal soul. I feel your pain. Don’t let unresolved grief rob you of the ability to be vunerable to life. Love you girl.

    Comment by Sandra — May 13, 2006 @ 6.38p05

  2. Happy Chick, I feel for you. I lost my younger brother 9 years ago, so I know how your feeling. It gets better with time, but you never get over it, there will always be that empty space in your heart. I wrote a piece on my loss also. It’s a hard thing to do, but you did a good job. Very touching post. Listen to my mother-in-law, Sandra, she knows her shit. 🙂

    Comment by the blonde — May 13, 2006 @ 6.38p05

    • Here’s a piece of advice for you: If you feel sorry for another person, I recommend that you try not to swear because that’s not exactly the right way to feel sorry for anyone.

      Comment by Anonymous — July 18, 2011 @ 6.38p07

  3. sorry to know that, God bless his soul, i cant say i know how you feel cos it’s a big lie. but i think God’s fair for many reasons i dont know, let’s not forget the so many blessings he gives everyday. better think of pete’s birthday than other things, cheer up or i’d never call you happy chick again 🙂

    Comment by Hell Boy — May 13, 2006 @ 6.38p05

    • Wow, I never knew you had it in you to tell her that.

      Comment by Anonymous — February 2, 2011 @ 6.38p02

  4. Happychick, I am truly sorry for your loss.

    Comment by bofh69 — May 13, 2006 @ 6.38p05

    • Neutral comment: “It’s nice to know that someone is.”

      Comment by Anonymous — March 15, 2014 @ 6.38p03

  5. And a happy mothers day to your Mum….She’s done a terrific job of raising you. 😀

    Comment by jcoftw — May 14, 2006 @ 6.38p05

  6. Happychick, I am very sorry you had to feel the pain of the death of a person so close to you at such a young age. I understand the feelings of anger, I really do, as well as that emptiness that feels as if it will never leave. That’s the sad part, it likely never will. He was your father after all. You’re still young though, and trust me, your opinions are almost guaranteed to change as you age. You will start to understand things eventually, trust me. Time does heal (another cliche, sorry), and as it goes on you eventually realize that things do happen for reasons, but we never really realize that for awhile, because we are so full of emotions for a long time, and there is no possibility to think things through with emotions overtaking us. Just give things some time, happychick. The answers will come.

    Comment by wanderinblues — July 15, 2006 @ 6.38p07

  7. […] Today is July 21. It is also 6 years to the day since my Dad died. To talk about it again would not only be a waste of time, I would also lose valuable bodily fluids and the like. […]

    Pingback by sundog - Daddy’s Death Day — July 21, 2006 @ 6.38p07

    • How tragic. That’s a real shame.

      Comment by Anonymous — April 3, 2013 @ 6.38p04

  8. I understand the pain you’ve received. But to hold a grudge, toward God, death, and life in general is the wrong way to go. Are you going to spend the rest of your life being bitter just because of your bad past? If so, you’ll suffer the consequences for it.

    Believe me, holding one or more grudges all your life is harmful and deadly. You don’t solve your problems by lashing out everyone and everything thing in the world, and nursing grudges against them all your life.

    Like you, I also have a troubled past and life. Sure, I tend to lash out and get ticked off easily. Sure, I want things to go my way. Sure, I want all my problems to go away. But I don’t try to take my negativity to the extreme like you seem to do to yours.

    Despite all of my troubles, I retain my soft side.

    You typed that raw emotion doesn’t affect you yet hold a what sounds to me as a huge grudge. That sounds rather hypocritical of you.

    If you hold a grudge against God and those other things you seem to be against all your life, you will suffer consequences. One of those consequences is that no one will want to be with you. Another is that you could shorten your life.

    So if you come across my message, think about what I told you. As it seems to me, your mentality isn’t in that good of a condition.

    Comment by Anonymous — November 20, 2010 @ 6.38p11

  9. I made a mistake when I forgot to delete “a” between “hold” and “what” in this sentence:

    “You typed that raw emotion doesn’t affect you yet hold a what sounds to me as a huge grudge. That sounds rather hypocritical of you.”

    Comment by Anonymous — December 30, 2010 @ 6.38p12


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